Prologue

Don't look now. An honest to goodness update. I know; be shocked and amazed. A real update. It's long; in fact, as the title states, it's supposed to be a prologue to the novel I'm currently attempting to write before Doug gets home (at least a decent enough 1st [if not 2nd or 3rd... hopefully] draft). Let me know what you think, honestly. Just keep in mind that it is kinda long and is a very, very rough draft. So without further ado, I hope you enjoy...

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Swirls of smoke rose higher, above the trees. The sun was setting; splashes of reds, yellows and oranges danced in the sky and in between the clouds. The evening sky stood out against the green leaves of the trees of summer. It was getting late.

Alacuriel continued walking down the dirt path. A small coin pouch flew above his head from his hand and hung in the air. After a few paces, he dropped his hand to his side, palm facing behind him, and the pouch surged forward into his awaiting hand. He continued playing games with the pouched coins until the source of the smoke came into view as he came closer to the clearing ahead of him. An inn with its hearth lit and the small homes were everywhere he looked.

“Selwyn. Just the place I was looking for,” is all he said before continuing his steady stride into town. Quickly he tucked his pouch away in his tunic.

His steady stride was ruined as his foot caught on a tree root poking up out from the ground. Falling forward, he put his arms out in hopes of breaking his fall. Slowly Alac got up and brushed himself off and winced in pain.

“My arm,” he muttered, noticing the long bloodied cut on his forearm. He searched on the ground and noticed his knife had fallen free from his belt. He picked it up and shoved it in its sheath forcefully. For a moment, looking back at his wound, he thought of just leaving it and claiming it was old battle wound as he was walking through the forest and fought with a bear. But in the end he thought it best that he didn’t come into a new town bloodied and battered. Besides, he didn’t know if any bears lived in the area.

Carefully, Alac gently, slowly ran his fingers over his left forearm. As the fingers passed over the cut, new, healed skin appeared as if there never was an injury there before.

He stretched his arm and twisted it all around, making sure it had healed correctly. He’d only treated deeper cuts such as knife wounds a handful of times and didn’t feel he’d had enough practice. Small scratches he was confident about, though he wasn't entirely sure how he was able to heal such wounds at all. And searching for that answer was what had led him to Selwyn.

Deciding that his arm was as good as new, Alac continued into town and stopped at the nearest inn, The Courier’s Flagon, and opened the door. There was a surprisingly large amount of people in the front hall. Walking over to the nearest open table, he sat alone, away from most people, and waved over the nearest barmaid.

“Hello there, sir! What can I do you for?” she said in a drawled accent. Alac smirked at the question, causing her to blush.

“Can I get you something to eat?” she asked with a coy smile. “You look mighty tired. I’d recommend the house dish, spiced vegetables and fried potatoes.”

He grinned. “Certainly, my lady.”

“Kyana,” she said.

“Ah, yes, Kyana. Spiced vegetables it is! And if you could be so kind as to bring me a mug of your finest ale as well.”

“O’course, sir! Comin’ right up!” she said with a wink before turning toward the kitchen.

Leaning back, Alac looked around the open hall. So many people, he thought. Even children too. Why aren’t they at home in bed?

Loud laughter erupted from the corner one table down, interrupting Alac’s musings. He turned abruptly to see who caused the noise and wasn’t at all surprised to see three teenagers laughing heartily. All eyes in the room turned toward them as a silence broke out. From the bar counter, that drawled voice chided the three.

“Now you listen here. It’s a full house tonight and if any of you ruin Kerwin’s story telling for these fine people, it’s on your heads! I will not be the one held responsible for anything that he may threaten to turn you into.” It didn’t dawn on Alac until then that all these people were there for the same reason he was; to hear the fabled stories of Aratas’ past.

One of the youth grunted in disbelief. “Kerwin wouldn’t lay a finger on us.”

“I don’t know, Jac,” a young woman’s voice spoke from the corner. “Kerwin doesn’t seem particularly fond of you and Falaeth. Me on the other hand…” she let her sentence hang in the air.

“Ha!” the boy, Jac, spat. “The only reason he’s “fond of you,” as you put it, is the same reason every other male in eyeshot is fond of you. Don’t take that as a compliment either. It’s just because you’re a—”

“Enough, Jacory!” an old but strong, authoritative voice reproved. An old man with a staff, too short to be human but too tall to be a dwarf, stepped into the light and strode over to the corner table. All on-lookers abruptly turned away as the newcomer began to speak, giving them a semblance of privacy.

The old man poked Jacory in the chest with his staff. “Don’t you ever treat a lady like that again. And don’t tell blatant lies either. I hear one more insult from you about Tari and I’ll turn you into a guppy! It’s more than a mere finger of mine that you should be worried about.”

“Sorry sir,” is all Jac was able to mutter before the authoritative voice rose again.

“And you!” he rounded on Falaeth, smacking the back of his head. “Never let me catch you watching idly by as your sister takes insults. Especially from a twit like him,” he nodded toward Jac.

Falaeth looked down. “Yes, Master Kerwin,” he mumbled, daring a peek at him.

“Right. Now, I’ve got history stories to tell. Don’t make me come over here again,” Kerwin said, walking off over by the hearth. The barmaid pulled a chair over for him to sit in. The crowd began to stir and gathered round where he sat.

Kerwin looked at the crowd around him. A small smile reached his lips as he recognized faces. Many leaned forward in anticipation of what Kerwin was going to say. Most had heard the old tales before, but the way Kerwin told these stories had a way of entrancing them. Alac found himself leaning forward, awaiting to hear. He’d waited a long time and travelled far to hear these stories; if what this old man said was true, it could explain so many things from Alac’s life…

All hushed as Kerwin began to speak.

“Many, many years ago, the gods were continually with us. Things were much different than they are now. Then, the head gods walked among us. The God of Light, Arorin, would help good men who were in need and blessed those with elven blood. Those who were able to truly harness the power of silver in all our blood were known as Silverborn. Rhear, the God of Neutrality, taught and bestowed the power of magic upon Aratas to all those who diligently sought after it. And Raziel, Goddess of Darkness, gave potentially unlimited power and stamina to those who were willing to follow her. Each of these three gods had a place in our lives, and each knew that place.

“Because of these gifts from the gods, the races of Aratas began to prosper in ways they had never before supposed possible. Each power had its place, and each had the ability to help change the world to become better. The people who strove for power were granted it. Those who studied for years were able to learn the ways of magic and control it with little thought. Those with elven blood, of even the smallest amount, had the chance to become Silverborn, but all blessed by Arorin received greater health. All seemed well for many centuries. But little by little, some were given too much power, until they became corrupt. Being rulers among their own kind was no longer enough. And some who had once been neutral followed in the path of darkness. Armies began to—”

“What else about the silver people, Kerwin?” a small child asked from the foot of the old man’s chair.

“Oh yes, child. I’m getting there. Just be patient,” he chuckled. But Kerwin began to cough profusely and waved over a barmaid. Kyana quickly made her way to him and bent over to hear. “Some water, please. I’m afraid I catch sicknesses so much easier in my old age.”

Kyana returned with the water and Kerwin took a long drink. “Thank you, dear. Now where was I?”

“You began talking about the armies, Master Kerwin,” Falaeth said.

“Ah, yes. The armies. Large armies began to form, with strength and power that had never before been seen on our world. And those with the power and armies wanted more.

“Arorin had blessed the elven blood abundantly with the abilities to heal, control emotions and manipulate metals. Others now became jealous and wanted this gift themselves. And the greed of evil would stop at nothing to achieve it; rape, pillage, enslave, coerce—whatever it took to steal it and continue gaining power.

“Slaughtering’s began to take place. Those with any elven blood were being wiped out by the thousands, and what few who lived were forced to help raise a new generation who used their power in corrupt ways.” Kerwin paused and looked around before continuing.

“Arorin could no longer stand to see his chosen people brought down by such massacres. He gathered all the gods together and held a meeting with the Pantheon. After long meetings, the gods from each sect finally came to a decision; either Raziel could leave quietly and let the world live in peace for 1000 years, or they would be forced to combine their powers to securely lock her away. Seeing her own gods turn against her, Raziel chose to willingly go, revoke her power and let her hold on the world diminish. Arorin too withdrew the powers of silver and those of elven blood never produced the traits to become a Silverborn again. The power struggle between the gods of good and evil relinquished itself and let neutrality and the powers of magic reign. The gods left us.”

Some people gasped, some shrugged. Alac just nodded in agreement and leaned back in his seat. He’d heard this story many times before. And every time it ended the same; the gods left and they were never coming back.

But then he heard Kerwin speak again.

“Yes, they left us. Or we we’d thought.” Alac’s head shot up. He’d never heard that before.

“After half of her time had passed, Raziel no longer felt that this was a fair punishment to be banned for 1000 years. All the head gods fought for followers to their cause, fought for power, she thought; she was no different than Arorin or Rhear in her own eyes.

“Quietly, Raziel began appearing to the world again, never revealing her identity. She caused slight chaos, but continued to lie low. She was going to build an army, from the ground up. And bit by bit, her strength began to grow, her powers taking over our world once more. Her reign began again two hundred years ago. But she was not hidden for as long or as well as she’d hoped.” The old man paused again and glanced around. After a slight nod from Kyana, he continued.

“The whisperings began a century ago.” Alac found himself leaning forward in anticipation. What whisperings?

“Hushed words of a dark powers emerging can now be heard to those who dare to listen. And with these quiet words come rumors of the other gods returning as well, the gods of good, Arorin and the others. But there is only one way for those with good and pure hearts to know for certain; when the power given with elven blood is restored to us.

“We will know that Arorin has returned this time, to lock Raziel up forever by one simple thing. Some say that it will never happen. Some say it will be soon. And some, like myself, say that it has already begun.” Kerwin’s eyes locked onto Alac’s gaze and he couldn’t stand to look away. Alac felt something inside himself, a sort of longing to know more. Anticipation was nagging him.

“Mark my words,” Kerwin promised the crowd, “Arorin and the gods of good have returned with the powers of the Silverborn.”

Ehhh...

This is me apologizing for my lack of writing for a freaking month. My life got crazy, I got lazy, but I should be back again. I miss this.

Happy Thanksgiving

I can't feel my arm. I thought. What is wrong with my arm? Why can't I see out of my right eye?
I tried to lay down on the lazy boy to watch some tv, but as soon as my head hit the cushion, my stomach flopped.
"Oh no," I gasped, jumping up and sprinting to the bathroom.
The taste of bile and acid burned my mouth and made me gag again.
Happy Thanksgiving to me, I thought bitterly.

Work, Work, Work

The moment I took my shoes off, I flopped onto the new carpeted floor, stretching myself out. I was pooped, dead tired. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to drag myself up the stairs and into my bed for the night.
"How was work, sweetie?" my mom asked with a grin on her face. I threw my head to the side in order to look at her. Before I could speak, a yawn caught up in my throat.
"Long. So very long," was all I could muster out.
"Oh, how many hours did you work today?" I held up both of my pointer fingers.
"Only two? That seems to be a little skimpy if you ask me..." she muttered. I gasped.
"Not two. Eleven!" I cried out exhasperated. The eyes of my mom bugged out her head as she began to comprehend how long I was there.
"Oh my... Would you like me to get you anything?" she asked, suddenly very concerned.
"No, I'm going to bed," was all I said as I slowly made myself stand up and crawl up the stairs. I needed a weekend to recover from this weekend.

Snow

"I can't talk right now!" I screamed, throwing my phone on the seat. I didn't have time for this, not while I was driving.
I gripped the wheel with both hands and slowly started to come to a stop. I started to hydroplane, my car not slowing down. That red light up ahead was a disaster waiting to happen unless I got this beast of a car to stop before it came within a hundred feet of the intersection.
Bracing myself for the worst, I let the pedal go a little bit then quickly pushed down again, pumping the break. Finally, the car began to slow and eventually stop.
"Stupid snow," I grumbled, keeping my eyes on the road. "Good for nothing white stuff."

I'm Not Crazy

"Yeah you are."
"I am not! Don't you think I of all people would know?" I asked, looking at her as though she were stupid. Which, honestly she was. I used to do basically nothing with my time. Studying was never my strong point and so I had all this free time where I watched TV or played video games. But ever since I got this second job, I've actually been doing something with this pathetic thing I called my life.
"You work full time and you are going to school full time? You are totally crazy!" Kyra said, flabbergasted.
"That's not crazy, Kyra. That's being productive with my life."
"Productive? All right, sure, I'll give you that. But it's still crazy. And you have no social life," she pointed out. I couldn't help but laugh at that.
"That's a good one considering I didn't even have a social life before I got the second job. At least now I'm getting paid for doing something."
Kyra stared off for a moment in silence. Before too long, she looked back at me and nodded. "All right Camber. You win."

Picture Day

"Smile!" the stupid man in front of me said with a rubber chicken in his hand. He was waving it around as though it were alive with its head chopped off.
"Say, Chicken!" he told me, making the poor rubber blob shake. He looked so dumb. Did he think I was 3?
I did as he said and I smiled. I laughed inside when I got to see the look of disgust on his face as he saw the look at mine. "Smile" was a loose term for what I was doing. I knew it looked more like a grimace, but I was so done with this place.
The blinding light flashed again and I let my face fall. Hopping off the chair, I walked away quickly.
Picture day. I hated it.

Tabasco

I never understood the kids at school who didn't like Tabasco sauce. Personally, I thought it was one of the greatest tastes this world had. If I could put it on my food, I would almost every time.
Pulling out a cracker and slicing the cheese I smiled to myself. My mom prepared one of my favorite snacks for after school today. And I couldn't wait to get that peppery hotness on my tongue.
"Mmm, Tobasco sauce on cheese on cracker. Could life get any better? I submit that it cannot!" I put a few drops of that peppery goodness on the cheese and then shoved the whole thing in my mouth. The roof of my mouth and tongue burned as the Tobasco made its way all around.
I opened up the plastic wrapping on the crackers and grabbed another. This was the good life.

You Know Your Life Sucks When...

Third time this week. How do you get pulled over three times in one week?
"Hey there buddy, why'd you run that red light?" the officer asked, peering at me through my window.
"Honestly, I have no idea." That was the truth too. I could have stopped really, but I assumed the yellow would have stayed longer than it did. They usually were on State Street.
"All right, well I'm going to need your license and registration and all the fun stuff." I yanked my wallet out and gave him my driver's license. As I leaned over to the glove compartment, he continued to talk.
"So," he paused for a moment, "Mitchell is it? Were you preoccupied with something or what was going on?"
I sat back in my seat and handed him the papers. "Actually, yeah I was. My girlfriend of almost two years just got back from Cuba and told me she cheated on me the entire time she was there and now is waiting for him to come back to the US next month when he's finished his internship. So yeah, my mind is definitely not on driving right now. I'm just trying to pay for a ticket I got last week so I can go home to sleep."
"That sucks man, sorry to add this ticket too, but that's life." And he walked off to his motorcycle. Flipping up the seat, he brought the cop computer out and started typing in my information.
"They have the computer in their seat? That is so cool," I muttered to myself before turning to look at the front to wait.
I heard his footsteps before his voice. "All right look. I have to give you a ticket; you blatantly ran a red light. I can't not ticket you for that. But I can't. I can't bring myself to doing it. You got a ticket for going 4 over on a hill? That's a stingy officer. I never have liked Officer Carlson, but keep that to yourself. And you got a ticket for your back lights being out. Your week has sucked. I can't write you up."
I stared at him in shock. He continued. "I hope you know how bad I feel for you, man. I've only ever not given a ticket to someone twice. Once because his wife was in labor and screaming and the other time was less than a mile away from the hospital and she had her son in the back with a broken arm jutting out of his skin. Count yourself lucky."
"Oh, I do Officer. Thanks, I guess."
"Kid, whatever you're doing wrong, fix it. Obviously you aren't doing something right if your week has been this bad. My suggestion to you is just to be good." He tapped the top of my car twice before walking back to his bike.
I sat there for a moment, still shocked. "That was the most bizzare thing..."
I pulled out onto the road again and laughed humorlessly. "You know your life sucks when after talking to a cop for a few minutes, he won't ticket you for blatantly running a red light."

I Know I Know You

"Sorry!" I said the the person I just ran into. I hadn't been watching where I was going at all.
There was nothing for me to do for the next half hour before my next class. Every time this happened I had a tendency to wander around campus for the sake of having nothing else to do. Generally, I kept my head down; I'm not a very sociable person on cold days like these. But after having already ran into someone, I decided to face the world and try smiling at all who passed.
A familiar person rounded the corner about to cross my path. Casey Manwill. I hadn't seen her since I was 12 years old and we played soccer together. I waited for her to look in my direction before saying anything, but I couldn't bring myself to speak once seeing her reaction.
You know the times where you see someone, and you know you know them but don't know where? Casey had that look on her face for a brief moment. Seeing that caught my comment short and instead I smiled as she did to me. The courtesy smile. The "I'll feel like  a total idiot if I don't acknowledge you at this point."
I continued to walk on and tried not to chuckle. I took a quick glance back, just to make sure I'd really seen her, and saw her staring right back at me.
Hmm. Awkward.

Sleeping in Class

"...you get so many stories of Greek heritage and culture in those depictions by Homer..."
I couldn't type fast enough for what he was saying. I never knew what we needed to know in this class since apparently what notes I had been taking all semester was never quite good enough once the tests came around.
"...was everything. Sundyata is so important in these areas..."
I squinted my eyes at my screen. My notes looked horrible. Something like this:
geek hertige y culure in those depiccctionss by hhomer.
I hadn't realized I was falling asleep. Not that that was very suprising; after all, I'd been up since 4 am this morning. I felt my eyes start to slip close again and I couldn't shake the feeling. 10 hours of sleep over the last 3 days was definitely catching up on me.

I just sat there, listening. What more can I do? She needed me. Even if I didnt want to be there for her tonight.
"I just feel so lost and confused. I don't even know who I am anymore Sandy."
I sat, leaning toward her as she spoke, nodding here and there. I wasn't really paying attention though. My mind was thousands of miles away on the other side of the world. I ears a crash and looked at the floor.
"What was that?" I asked.
Sandy stared at me blankly. "Kelly, that was you."
"Oh," was all I could say before I got up and walked away. I had too much on my mind to be there for anyone at this point.
"I'm sorry!" I called out as I turned the corner.

Dresses

"I hate this," I grumbled. Kara glared daggers in my direction. "Not this dress. Just the fact I'm even dress shopping at all!"
"Oh, stop being such a boy," my sister told me.
I smacked her shoulder. "Seriously Kara? You need to be such a jerk tonight, considering I'm doing this for you?" I gestured to the overpriced dress I was wearing. I hated dresses, skirts; anything like that. And for some reason, my sister decided to ask me if I would be her Maid of Honor in a couple months. Not her best friend, but the little sister she's never gotten along with.
"It's just a joke Rachel. Take a chill pill."
I just glared at her as I shut the dressing room door. The sooner I was out of this thing, the better.

Selfish

You know the kind of person
That you try so hard to be.
And deep inside you know it's there
But no one else can see.

And when you bake cookies
Just to be nice to a friend
It doesn't make them feel better
They just get sick in the end.

So just remember the next time you want
To be there for someone else,
Sometimes it really is better
To just think of yourself.

If I Could

If I could
I would take away all the
Pain.
The pain that has caused your
Doubt.
Doubt that has led you
Astray.

If I could
I would keep you
Safe.
Safe from all of that
Harm.
That harm which has come your
Way.

If I could
I would be there for
You.
Because it's you that is
Worth it.
Worth more than I can
Say.

If I could
I would show
You
Just what you mean to
Us.
Because you're amazing in your own
Way.

Love

The unbearable,
Illogical, confusing,
Complicated, love.

Take me home to you.
Where butterfly kisses soar.
Rain pours from the sky.

Cheater

I never understood those emo kids. You know the ones; black clothes, hair, make up, attitude. Their life is just so depressing, right? Ha. I used to look at those kids and just wonder. What in the world happened to them that made them feel so socially outcasted? Or to the point where they didn't even want to be near people?
I couldn't ever grasp the concept of cutting. It seemed like such a stupid thing to do; intentionally harm yourself just for the sake of what? Harming yourself to mask the harm others had done? It seemed to be the dumbest idea at the time. But now...
I understood them all too well. The thoughts of doing just that continually came to mind. I felt sick, thinking that way. But after what she did to me, I couldn't picture doing anything else.

They Said Brains, Not Trains...

They were always such jerks to me. I hated the basketball team and everything they stood for. Just because I wasn't their cup of tea apparently meant that they had every right to torture me at every their every whim and thought.
"Honestly Sarah, when was the last time I actually cared at all?"
"How should I know? You're the one who can just shut off your feelings." He always was one to ask stupid questions. I got tired of them so quickly these days. My brother, Kurt, was such an idiot at times. Even more so when his idiot basketball friends picked on me and he watched and laughed.
"That's my point though, really. I shut my feelings off all the time. Meaning, I don't care about your stupid probelms. Get the picture?" he said, walking away.
I screamed for a moment. "Can't you just please talk to them for me? You're my brother! You're supposed to look out for me!"
"Must have missed that in the job description," he said, nonchalantly, making his way through the front door. I flinched as the door slammed shut.
"Must have missed your brain too. Probably thought they said 'trains' instead as they were handing them out to everyone..." I muttered.

Magic

This writing just didn't make any sense. Not when it came out of my mouth anyway. I could read it fine; it was speaking it that I was struggling with. It was as if the words morphed into a whole nother lanugauge as I spoke, making the incantation useless. In fact, at that point it wasn't even an incantation anymore. This feather wasn't going to burst into flame any time soon. I grabbed my book and threw it to the ground.
"Kitara!" my mentor called out to me. "Pick that book up. It's not the books fault you are making all the wrong intonations."
I huffed. He never tried to understand me at all. It was so annoying, and the more he did it, the more frustrated I would get.
"I'm trying, Master."
"Well, try harder. It's obviously not enough."
"I don't know what to change though! I need your help. Couldn't you just say it for me one more time so I could-"
"No," he firmly stated. And that was all as he turned away from me.
My blood boiled beneath my skin. This was worthless. My mentor was worthless. They had always told me since I was a child that I had magic in my blood, that I would be a great mage one day. But I still couldn't even cast the smallest of spells! My anger finally got the better of me then, and something in me snapped.
"Ist ukara mith soule idiom!" I cried.
The feather began to float into the air and quickly disapperated into a flame. I felt the flow of something brilliant run through me and I never wanted to lose the feeling of it. But as soon as the ashes were in a pile my work table, the feeling left with it.
I didn't hear his footsteps behind me.
"That is the feeling of magic. That is what is required of you."

Oh, My Son

Oh my son, my son.
Be aware of what your needs are.
While finding and recording the stories of Barbie Dolls and dress-up parties.
Kiss your worries goodbye.

Be aware of what your needs are.
Find a place to fit your needs.
Kiss your worries goodbye.
The choices are plentiful.

Find a place to fit your needs.
Cooking individuals sized meals is fast and easy.
The choices are plentiful.
We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give.

Cooking individual sized meals is fast and easy.
Repeat process until desired size is reached.
We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give.
Our bedrooms are bigger than yours.

Repeat process until desired size is reached.
Just a hop, skip and a jump away.
Our bedrooms are bigger than yours.
I am your son.

Just a hop skip and a jump away.
While finding and recording the stories of Barbie dolls and dress-up parties.
I am your son.
Oh, my son, my son.

Lies

You don't have to tell me
I can see it in your eyes.
You've never meant a word you've said;
All of it's just been lies.
I've never meant a thing to you.
I know I never will.
The reason you still deal with me
Is 'cause I'm like your daily pill.
You'll take me only because you have to
And I'm the only one who cares.
And you know that,
But you can't stand the things I wear.
In a way, we're still one,
But we are completely two.
We're both music freaks and crazy
But you can't handle some things I do.
I'm hyper beyond belief
But you've never seen me that way.
I'm too worried what you'd think of me,
Too scared of what you'd say.
But I guess you've never really cared
So I ask myself, "Why should I?
Why waste my time on you,
Why waste more of these tears to cry?"
But then I look at what you've done.
Oh, how you've helped me so.
But I won't be fooled by you again
So before I get burned, I'm gonna go.
What we're going through now
May be just a stupid phase.
If it is, I hope it will beo gone soon,
Because it's gone on for days.
Which makes me wonder,
What was I reading in your eyes?
Was I reading them wrong,
Or have you been telling me white lies?
Your hazel eyes,
They say so many things.
Lies or truths, no one can tell.
No one can tell what they truly mean.

No Feeling

Mrs. Harbold handed back my paper with a grim look on her face. I raised my eyebrow as I took it from her. Looking at the grade I was given, my eyes popped wide.
8 out of 15? How do you get 8 out of 15 on a free verse poetry assignment?! I thought, outraged.
"I'm sorry, Macayle, but it just didn't flow. Nothing you said had any feeling. I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it, no matter how hard I tried."
My eyes just continued to blink. There was nothing else I could do, was there? Attack her, maybe, but what good would that do? Sitting there in disbelief was probably my best bet. She's just crazy. I mean, it's one thing to mention it didn't flow; that is an important factor in all poetry. But to say it had no feeling; who does she think she is? It had feeling for me, and isn't that the point of poetry? It's the author's view of the world, or aspect of it, and how he or she feels.
Where does she get off saying I have no feeling?

You Were...

My fingers run thorugh the pages of my book of memories.
Worn paper turns, one after another.
Words, stories, pictures, memories.
My life.
I glance at the image before me and I stop.
Your bright eyes sparle at me.
Your lips grinning in delight.
Your arm slung arond my shoulder.
Then a drop splatters on the page and the image is distorted.
Just like our friendship.
Your eyes never sparkle anymore.
Your face somber and sad.
Your arms tucked near your body,
Keeping a safe distance.
Tears cascading down my cheeks
And I can't stop the flow.
The friendship we had has been lost and set free
And all I have left are our memories...

Mixed Feelings

I've never felt quite like this before. It's an odd feeling really. Or I guess I should say feelings. I can't decide which of them is in more control. On the one hand, I'm so happy for them; having a new sister is going to be so great and I'm beyond excited! I'm bubbling with joy at the thought and I feel like I'm going to burst! But at the same time, why does she get all the luck? I'm not bitter, really. I just don't think I've been more jealous in my entire life than I am of her.
She's getting married! It's some of the most fantastic news I've ever had the chance of hearing. But, I'm jealous the fact she's marrying him. Well, not him, per say. But marrying into his family. One of the greatest families it is possible to marry into.
Aw, love. It's such a great thing, isn't it?

Inner Nerd

I've never been a big fan of Halloween or the days previous to it. But I knew that if I didn't get on the ball sooner rather than later, my mother in law would have a hay day. So I searched through my closet, checked out Wal Mart, all in hopes of finding that perfect costume. Who knew the perfect costume would actually involve an old Mason's sword?
Tying up my dark green tunic and matching hat, buckling my belt and strapping on my boots, I was almost ready to go. All I needed now was the Mason sword hanging at my waste and Hyrule's shield in hand. And behold, I was Link.
Let your inner nerd be set free!

Tears

The saline rolls down my face
And my eyes begin to swell.
I miss what I recall of you;
Your heart, your laugh, your smell.
I thought I meant something to you.
You still mean the world to me.
But I see now it wasn't so
And yet how could that be?
I heard the love in your voice
I saw the tears in your eyes.
I thought you really, turly cared,
So how'd I miss your disguise?
You'll never know the damage you've done,
You're no longer here to see it all.
My heart continues to ache and break.
My tears continue to fall.

Numb

Break me again.
Give me pain.
Maybe if you give a little more
I'll go numb.
No feeling.
No pain.
Numb.
That beautiful feeling of not caring.
Where nothing matters.
It's just me.
Me and my thoughts.
Thoughts that wander back.
Back to you.
To memories
And what we were.
Were.
Past tense.
No longer.
Pain.
Memories bring pain.
More.
Remind me again.
Kisses that meant something.
Hugs that did too.
Memories that hurt.
That give more pain than anything.
All to get me
Numb.
That beautiful feeling of not caring.
Where nothing matters.
But you.
Memories of you.
Whwat we were
What we could be.
What we're not.
What we will be.
The future.
Thoughts of terror.
Fear.
Pain caused by self.
Me.
Just me.
Broken.
Shattered.
But so together still.
That's what it takes to be
Numb.

This isn't a current standing of how I'm feeling, by the way.

Those People

"Hey what's up?"
"Not much. Just watching the Cardinals game. Why?"
I put my phone down on the couch and looked back at the TV screen. The Cardinals were down by 3 and it didn't look like they were going to pull out of it. It was the bottom of the 8th and the Yanks were up to bat with two outs already.
The game continued, the Cardinals managing to get another run in the top of the 9th. 
Glancing at my phone again, I noticed there still wasn't a text. It had been 20 minutes now.
"Did you have something in mind?" I asked again.
As I looked back at the game again, I saw Mark Hamilton up to bat, ready to swing. He missed entirely and I threw my head back in frustration. At this rate, I was sure my team wouldn't win...
"Jason, dinner time!" I heard my mom call down the stairs. I grumbled a bit before jumping up and heading up the stairs. I took a quick look at my phone again, just in case Marshall had said something.
Nothing.
What is with people? Who texts someone and doesn't reply? I asked myself, annoyed. Whatever. Who needed him anyway.

You're It

I'd had it. I'd kissed her a couple times and it'd scared me every time. I kept fearing that if I kissed her again, I would go insane; that was my reasoning to why I wouldn't just go for it and let her thoughts come to me. But I didn't care anymore. Not kissing her was driving me just as insane as kissing her ever could, and I couldn't take this self-induced insanity any longer.
Kristen was just standing there, as if waiting for me to make a move. A faint smile found its way to her lips and it was that little movement that set everything in motion.
I leaned forward quickly and softly touched her lips to mine. I pulled a way almost instantly with a small chuckle, opening my eyes to gaze at her.
"You're it," I told her, a smile creeping upon my face. Her eyes lit up before me and without me realizing what she was doing, she leaned forward and kissed me back quickly before running off into the field.
All the while she was yelling back at me. "Now you're it!"

Looking Back

Looking back on those summer nights
I realize
We never knew how good we had it.
Cool breeze.
Under trees.
Making memories beneath the stars.

Looking back on those summer nights
I memorize
Your face, bursting with joy in your eyes.
Laughing.
Smiling
Being who we want to be and are.

Those summer nights together.
"Let's make this one count," we said.
"Let's make this one worth a memory."
And we did.
And they were.

I can see the breeze tossing your hair.
The sparkle in your eyes,
A smile dancing about your lips.
And I remember who you are.

I can see you.
All of you.
And I think to myself--
This is life.
This is worth living for.

Львів (L'viv)

Drip. Drop.
Soft pitter-pattering rain.
Faces turn heavenward
To gaze into the night.
Drip. Drop
Everwhere you turn-
It's there,
Falling from the clouds like
Tear drops from an eye.
Drip. Drop.
It starts to come on harder
Coating everything in cold
Water from on high.
My arms spread,
My eyes rise to the sky
And I spin.
Mouth open wide,
Eyes squinting in surprise,
A grin spreads across my face.
Arms outstretched,
Twirling in delight.
Stars blurring in the sky.
Simple joy.
Perfect peace.
And I remember;
This is being a kid.
Carefree and happy
With the simple things in life.

The Morning After

An annoying beep continued to ring in the air. I swatted to my left and shut it up, simultaneously flopping my body on my stomach. Burying my face in the pillow, I made a couple grunts. I was not ready to be awake.
I turned my face to look at the clock. 7:00 am. School started at 7:45, which meant I had another hour I could sleep and still be on time to class.
"I love Russ on these days," I muttered, letting myself drift off to sleep.
The annoyance returned all too short of time though. I swung my feet over my bed and slowly got up to brush my teeth and put on a hoody and sweats. There was no way I was going to make it today otherwise.
Pulling out the drawer in the bathroom, I searched for my toothbrush and paste. But the toothpaste wasn't anywhere. I opened all the drawers, even my brother's, trying to find it. Finally I called up the stairs.
"Mom, have you seen the toothpaste anywhere?"
"No, Jason. Unless Max took it for some reason, I haven't seen it!"
I slouched and walked back to the bathroom to put away my toothbrush. Apparently I was being anti-hygiene for the day.
The clock seemed to be glaring at me as I put on my hoody. It was 8:10 now, and I needed to be in class by 8:15 just in case Russ took role today.
Grabbing my keys, I ran up the stairs to grab a quick bite to eat before slamming the door shut to the garage. I sped a little on the way too school. Lucky for me, I have my own parking spot by the station, so it only took me moments to walk into class once I got out of my car. But it seemed to slip my mind the whole 20 minutes I had now been awake that it was a B day. Meaning Kristen was here with me. And would be; all day. I spotted her the moment I walked into the room, and noticed she was looking at me too and smiled. Somehow, I seemed to have forgotten how beautiful her smile is. Kristen got up and started walking over to me. And I froze.
I couldn't deal with her right now. She would expect me to be nice, especially after our conversation last night. Especially since it went past 4 am. But I couldn't be. If I did that, I knew everything would come together which would then make it fall apart. I couldn't be nice to her, not like I was yesterday, but I couldn't give her the cold shoulder. I was stuck and I had no escape.

I Need a Nap

I don't remember the last time I good a good night's sleep. Not all through the night anyway. That luxury had eluded me for months now, no matter what I did. It's really no wonder that my grades were being effected.
"I failed that history test today," I was telling him, but Marshall wasn't really paying any attention to me.
"Hey, man. Stop checking out Carrie. You're the one who broke up with her," I punched his shoulder.
"Ha ha, sorry Jason. I can't help it sometimes. What were you saying?" he asked.
I sighed. "Forget about it." No one really needed to listen to me whine and complain. All these guys have already heard my sob story a million times before.
"All right. Well I'm going out for lunch today. You coming?"
I thought about it for a moment but decided against it. "Nah, I've got homework to do," I lied and he gave my fist a hit before walking out to the parking lot.
Honestly, I just needed to take a nap.

As I Got Older...

A long time ago
I used to believe
That things were exactly
The way that they seemed.
But as I've grown up
And gotten much older
I realize now
That things are much colder.
It's no longer about who you are
But who you know.
You do what it takes to be on top
Even when it means a low blow.
And this world isn't quite
As nice as I thought.
But I will proceed happily
With what I've got.

Gross

"Muscle Milk? Who actually drinks that stuff?" I wondered aloud. It sounded disgusting. Even if it was chocolate flavored.
"I do," Darren said, pulling a can off the shelf. "And it's pretty good too."
I had to hold back a gag. "Oh yeah, if by good you mean nasty." He glared in my direction. "Ha, yeah, I'm sure it's splendid," I corrected myself, rolling my eyes. Of all the things...
"That's right. And lucky you, we're making shakes tonight with it for the family get together!"
Immediately I choked on my saliva. "We're what?!"
"Yup. It's part of mom and dad's "get healthy" plan. Now I don't have to go buy my own snacks or work off the junk food..." he muttered.
Only Darren would be concerned about that. Stupid high school jock brother. "I think I'm gonna be sick..."

Sunflowers

"Elliot, wait up!" My feet were tripping over twigs left and right. Leaves and branches crunched beneath my feet.
"Hurry up, Kellie! You're falling behind!" he called back with a glance over his shoulder.
Trees flew past on either side as I ran through the green foliage. I couldn't catch up to El while I was dodging so much of nature around me. I swatted at a branch as I ran by, but it flung back in my face.
"Ow," I grumbled, pushing forward. I couldn't lose him.
"Kellie, we're almost there, just another hundred yards or so!"
I rubbed my face really quick, opening and closing my eyes, trying to refocus them. My pace slowed until I stopped, my cheek hurting too much. Putting my hand in front of my face, my fingers had splotches of red on them. Pressing them together, I found them to be sticky, but they weren't too bad.
Looking around, I was disoriented. I didn't have a clue where Elliot had run to. I called out to him. "Where'd you go?"
"Over here."
I turned to my right and started walking toward his voice. Pushing a branch to the side, I looked in to where he was, sitting cross-legged in the grass, and gasped. A field of yellow expanded across my view, sunflowers sprouting up each way I looked. I looked at Elliot; he motioned to me.
With his arm outstretched to me, he pulled me down to the ground with him. He turned to look at me with a smile on his face.
"Like it?" he asked.
"Like it? I love it. This place. It's absolutely beautiful."
Elliot lifted his hand and brushed his fingers across my cheek and my eyes were drawn to his. "Nah, the only beautiful thing here is you."

Return To Me

Back against the wall,
Staring out the open window,
Feet up upon the sill.
Stars twinkle up above and a breeze flows through my hair.
I gaze into the night.
Thoughts swirl through my mind-
Happy times and places,
Faces smiling in joy.
Memories of a time now passed, never to return.
Childhood and teenage years.
Peering past the city lights,
Into the night sky,
I smile at my past.
All I need to feel at peace is think about those times.
Childhood, happiness.
My tranquil state begins to rise
Envelopes me through.
I'm whole, at one, complete.
Reminiscing in my past,
I can forget the now.
Loneliness, sorrow, pain.
Keep on dreaming.
Keep on hoping.
Living in my past.
Till you return to me.


I wrote this a few months ago while in Ukraine, in the exact windowsill described above, with the city lights of Kiyv washing over me. Man, I miss that place.

Walking... Or Lack Thereof

I knew I needed to exercise more. Especially with how my mood had been lately. This whole "being down on myself" thing was getting old, fast. And I've heard that exercising helps that. So I decided to get off my butt and do something with myself that night. That's more than I could say for my brother.
I had been walking around our neighborhood for a solid hour, weaving between the streets, back and forth. I was just about to turn the corner to my street when a familiar figure leaves the house of my bishop, along with a whole slew of others. I hear his truck beep and lights turn on as he unlocked his doors.
"Really, Steve? You couldn't walk to here? You had to drive. Do you ever do anything?" I asked. I mean, honestly, it was only three houses away.
"Want a ride too?" All I could do was raise an eyebrow and walk away from him.
The sad thing was, I knew he was serious.

You've Got Mail

"You've got mail."
I looked over at my laptop. Who in the world emails at this hour of the night? It's almost midnight! I thought. I clicked on the message from Derek's mom. It had something to do with Derek and how he was doing teaching English on the other side of the world...
There was an attachment, a picture, of him with one of the other teachers he was there with. Someone named Cameron Young who is a solid 6 inches taller than Derek. Or at least, that's what the description said. The picture was taking forever to download...
Finally it popped up. At first I gasped, then laughter burst forth. Derek had gained at least 25 pounds over the last little while. Boy, foreign countries were definitely not being nice to him. And yet, he was still the most adorable man I'd ever met, and in all honesty, I couldn't find anyone else I found more attractive.
I sighed. Man, I miss him.

Childhood Friends

"Hey, congrats man," I said with a fake smile plastered on my face. I never thought this would be so hard.
"Thanks. I'm glad it's finally happened," he replied back. Hesitantly, he reached his arm out and gave me an awkward side hug. I always hated those kinds of hugs. It was as if they were only given because someone felt obligated to do so; they meant nothing. Which was really hard for me to handle, considering he'd been my best friend for so long.
"Yeah, who knew you'd be married first eh? 20 and married. Never saw that one coming. I'm a bit envious."
"Don't worry about it. Nathaniel will be home soon and you'll get this too," he said reassuringly. But I didn't need reassurance. I already knew what was going to happen in my life. I was more concerned about what was going to happen in his.
"Oh, yeah. Of course. It'll be great having him back. Only a year away now..." I drifted off. I looked around the reception hall and sighed. And one point, we both thought we would be doing this together. A long time ago, in a whole different life, we believed we were the ones who were to get married. They called us Nala and Simba for years; best friends since childhood, bound to marry at one point. But we both knew our story wouldn't end that way.
"I'm really happy for you Dayne," I honestly told him. And I was. Jealous, sure, but I was glad he finally found the happiness he'd been searching for for years.
"Thanks Peyton, that means a lot to me." And this time, he gave me a real hug. The kind of siblings. And with that, I was able to let go of my best friend, and give him to her. I just hoped she knew that if she ever hurt him, I'd be the first to hunt her down.

We Used To Be Friends

Does she realize she's just droning on? I don't care about Kyx. Nor do I care about her relationship with him. After all, why would I? We used to be friends a long time ago, but we weren't really anymore. Or so I kept telling myself.
Lux had once been my girlfriend, the best to be honest. I could go so far as to say I loved her even. But that was long before she stabbed me in the back and watched my bleed.
I tried for the longest time to get over it. I got to the point where I could at least stand to be around her, but she still was what she was. A liar. A cheat. Hanging on any man with a heartbeat. I couldn't call her a friend, not when I didn't care about her. But I knew that was a lie. I did care. A little too much. Sadly, though, she cared too little.

Shopping Cart

"Come on Jason, just jump!"
I stared down at the rushing water below, hearing the cries of my friends coming up at me. They'd all jumped already, just like we all have a million times from this spot. But I needed to try something new. I needed to go further, take a more daring way. I needed to feel a rush, one that would get me away from my mind and let me get rid of all the guilt and pain I've got pent up inside. I needed a release.
I climbed up further on the bridge, higher than any of us had ever gone. I moved over to the right a bit more, thinking it looked somewhat deeper than where we've been jumping. I stood and took a deep breath and as I released the breath, I let myself tumble forward.
I could feel the adrenaline pump through my veins as I picked up speed and got closer to the river. My mind cleared and a smile came on my face; this was therapeutic. I was in my own personal tranquil state, falling through the sky to the water below.
My feet crashed against the water first and I loved the feel of cool water rushing over me. But then something went wrong.
Pain. Lots of pain, shooting up my leg.
I reached my hands out, searching for what I hit. I couldn't feel a thing. And then my fingers brushed against something smooth and hard. It felt like metal. Grabbing hold of it, I tugged, but not hard enough. Getting a better grip, I pulled it with me out of the river as best I could as my friends jumped back in the water to help me. Damien and Brad wrapped their arms around me, dragging me to shore as Marshall pulled it that massive thing. When I was finally on the shoreline, I flopped on a rock and didn't look back. At least, not until all three called my name for different reasons.
"Jason, I think you better get a look at this. You might be in some trouble." That was Marshall.
"Jason, your leg. I think we need to call an ambulance, man."
I turned to Marshall first and gasped.
A shopping cart, mangled and rusted, sat on the shoreline five feet away from me. I took a quick glance at my leg, remember what Brad had said and my breath caught again. I could see muscle. I could see so much red as it flowed into the river and as the gears in my head began to work, shock started to take over. My breathing became shallow, my eyes began to blur. And before I knew it, the pain overwhelmed me and I was out cold.

Sam and Bert

"I didn't do it!" she cried.
"Didn't do what, Samantha?"
The teenage girl continued to pace the floor in front of me, arms crossed, hair frazzled.
"I didn't stab Jaren in the back. It wasn't me. I just remember him, lying on the floor, my hands all bloody from his wound when Casey walked in and..." sobs overtook her. I watched as she slumped to the ground, crumpled really.
"Then who did?" I asked, trying my best to sound concerned. If I could help it, I was going to refrain from seeing that angry "side" of her again.
Silence. But then, "Don't you dare blame Samantha for this!" a somewhat manly voice came from the crumpled figure on the floor. "Don't you dare try saying this was her fault! This wasn't her fault! She wasn't even there!"
"Bert?" I questioned the girl. She had switched personalities.
"It was me," it grumbled from the floor. "It was me! I killed him!" Samantha/Bert stood and glared at me, walking toward me. "And I would do it again. I'll kill you!"

Laptops and the Testing Center

If there's only two things I learned today, those would be to never buy anything from Best Buy and don't study for a test. Ever. This seems like a stupid thing to not do, right? Wrong.
My started off in Astronomy class. I had my laptop out, taking notes. Class had only been going ten minutes when my screen froze up. Then it blacked out, and rebooted itself. The first ten minutes of notes were gone when I tried to recover what I'd lost.
"You have got to be kidding me..."
This had already happened a few times before in the 3 weeks I'd had this laptop. My brother in law said that it was probably a poor corrupted download of iTunes, and to just uninstall it, then download it again. So I did. And it seemed, for a few days, that that was the problem. But then, once again, it started to shut down. I ignored it though, thinking it wouldn't be very frustrating. Until now, when it killed my notes. I was sure I was going to scream.
I shut down the computer and pulled out some paper. Going old school. And that's how I was for the rest of the day as I went to my next two psychology classes. At least I could get this fixed by Best Buy's Geek Squad.
Right as I came up the stairs from the basement of the building since there is no service down there, I got a text. "Hey, want to go out to lunch? I haven't seen you in a few weeks..." Every couple weeks it was the same. I'd get almost the same text, asking to go for lunch. What, does this girl think I'm made of money or something?
"Sorry, Lexie, I have to study. I have a test for World Civ. I have to do today. I haven't really studied much. Not that I normally do, but I'm trying to break that habit. Maybe I'll get good grades for once this semester. :P"
She always assumed I was just blowing her off. And, all right, sometimes I was. But honestly, today was the last day to take the test in the testing center and I needed to get it done. And I had made a goal to actually do some studying this year in hopes of raising my GPA.
I walked away from the building and plopped myself out on the grass, basking in the sun. If I was going to do this necessary evil, I was going to at least try to enjoy it.
"Study guide, study guide..." I muttered, filing through old emails to find the one from my professor and other student in the class. One of the students had the brilliant idea of making a google doc for the exam for everyone and let us all pitch in so we could do our best. This meant I had to use my laptop to study, but I was willing to risk it.
"There we go!"
I opened up the attachment and went off on a study spree. I felt like I knew most of the material as it was; I had planned on majoring in history at one point, after all. But studying was in no way going to be detrimental to what I already knew.
After an hour of slaving away, I had gotten through all the material and felt pretty good about taking this test.
"I'll at least get an 90% and honestly that's more than enough," I kept telling myself. It's not like this was one of my major classes and I needed to get a good grade. As long as I passed, I would be fine, but a good grade would be nice.
When I walked into the testing center, I gave them my ID card and they got my bubble sheet. "This is not a timed test. You can't use a calculator, but you can write on the test. Good luck," the girl said and sent me on my way. Very personable people, those test workers.
I glanced at the test. 70 questions huh? Not too bad. Only 3 short answer questions, this should be a piece of cake.
Boy, was I ever wrong.
All throughout the test, I thought I was doing fantastically. Sure, there were a few questions here and there that I hadn't a clue what the answer was, but for the most part, I was feeling pretty good. When I finally finished, I turned it in so it could be scanned. Walking out the door and down the stairs, I took a deep breath in anticipation of seeing my score on the TV screen at the bottom.
I opened the door and searched the screen for my ID number. Then I gasped. Frantically I pulled out my ID card. Maybe I had memorized my number wrong; but I was 2267, wasn't I? Or maybe I really was 2265 like the screen said. There was no 2267 up there. Or maybe because you could write on the test they didn't electronically correct the bubble sheet and my score just wasn't up there at all. When I finally got my ID out, I huffed. 2267. That was definitely my score. All 53% of it.
It took all I had to slowly meander to my car down the hill. If that wasn't a mood killer, I didn't know what would be.
Note to self, never, ever, study for another test again. 
"Well, at least this day can't get any worse. Unless I fail my next test too..."
I still had another test to take later that night on Blackboard. As soon as I got home, I pulled out my laptop and studied some more, hoping beyond hope that maybe if I just read the material, and didn't really "study" it, I would do better. It took hours to read the material he had for us online, but my computer was doing fine. I assumed that whatever glitch was going on would be safe to ignore for the next while.
My professor specifically told us not to use Internet Explorer 8, because it made Blackboard crash every time. I pulled up Google Chrome and logged in istead.
The test was pretty simple, much easier than the history test. But that didn't really say much, I decided. However, there were only 33 questions, so if nothing else, it wouldn't take nearly as long.
As I got to question 30, it was a list of people we had to list with their description.
"Laman... D, took wine to the Lamanites at night."
I was just about to submit this answer and move on to the next question when my mouse stopped working. I touched the pad again, hoping it would move. Ten seconds later, the screen went black, then blue.
"System error... shut down do preserve data... software download..."
I let my head fall back and it smacked against the wall. "Ow!" I yelped, now rubbing my head as my laptop started to reboot itself again.
"This would happen. The test I can only take once online. The one that is due in 3 1/2 hours. The one I can't even try to retake. F the system. I hate Best Buy."

It's Like Riding a Bike... Not.

Everyone tells me it gets easier. They lied.
It's like riding a bike, they say. You might not do it for a couple years, but you always remember how to work that machine when you do the next summer. You are still steady and don't wobble. You don't forget what it feesl like to pedal with your legs, with the wind blowing through your hair. That feeling stays with you no matter how long it's been since you sat on that seat. But those people were wrong.
It's not like riding a bike at all. It's been a year and I don't remember much of anything. Sure, I know I should be able to remember what his hair feels like, the softness of his lips as they press mine. I should be able to recall the smoothness of his hands and the firmness of his chest when I lay my head to rest. But I don't. Not really.
It's as though I need training wheels again. As if I can't ride on my own anymore because the part of me that kept me stable is gone. And knowing when it's coming back doesn't help a bit.
They all told me it gets easier; that once you've hit that one year mark, everything looks brighter because the number only gets smaller from here. You're no longer counting up to twelve, but down from it. You've gotten halfway and you're still going strong, they say.
So why do I feel as though I want to break? Like my half a heart is going to shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment because it can't handle not having its other half? Because that missing piece of heart is half a world away in a country I love dearly.
If it's just like riding a bike as they say, why can't I pick myself and ride off into the sunset or up a mountainside? Why do I need training wheels again?
But most importantly, why can't I do this on my own?

Betrayed

I thought I knew what the word meant. You know, when you were a kid and your friend decides to tell the entire class who you have a crush on. It feels like your whole world is crashing down and crumbling into a million pieces. It's as though you're never going to pick up the pieces of your small world that has now been shattered.
That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. Only my world is much bigger and the pieces are that much smaller. It's one thing to have your week ruined, since that's how long elementary school kids attention spans last. It's entirely another to have your own mother be the one who betrays you.

Full Swing

I never thought I was a bitter person. Not really anyway. I was sure I had my emotions in check and yet, here I was with a bat in my hand, getting ready to swing full force.
We'd been friends for years, almost a decade. We'd been through so much together; dances, dates, family drama, cheaters, rock concerts, graduation. We had some of the best of times and some of the worst. I had always considered her to be one of my best friends, one of the better friends anyone could have. Between all our inside jokes and random good times, I had assumed we would be some of those friends who are always just that. Where we'd grow old in an old person's home and whack each other with canes and and ram our wheelchairs together.
As it turns out, I was wrong.
The reception was a drag. Not just a drag, but a disaster. I had never felt so out of place in my entire life. As I sat there at the table with all my old high school friends, every one of them talked about how delicious the food was at the luncheon, how funny the toast was and all the awkward things their parents said about their children. Normally, I would laugh and join in on this kind of thing. But that's a little difficult when you weren't invited to the luncheon.
I probably shouldn't have cared, honestly. But I couldn't help it. I was bitter. I hadn't seen my fiance in a year since he was overseas. And this friend not only met this guy within the last 8 months, she was not married to him to. Something I have been waiting for in anticipation for over 2 years. It just wasn't fair.
And so here I was, swinging my bat as hard as I could to take out the lights on their new Chevy. Good thing her new husband is car guy.

Raindrops

Have you ever played in the rain? I don't just mean running out really quick and running back under cover two seconds later. Have you ever really played in the rain?
I hadn't done this in a long time. I had forgotten just how much fun it was, running barefoot all over the streets, jumping in puddles and sliding on the world map at the park. I haven't danced and pranced in months, but the rain does that to me. Makes me want to move in ways I never dreamed to before. Unleashes something inside me that had been locked up by my self conscience and wasn't letting go its grip. Until the rains come. It makes me feel... free. Like I've never been freed before. As though I lived in a desert and caught a snowflake on my tongue for the first time. And I like that feeling. A lot.

One Year

Smiling.
Remembering
Just what you mean to me.
Holding out for you to come home.
Again.

Tsunami

Here it is again--
The hurt,
The blame,
The accusations,
But what am I to do?
Sit back, relax,
Roll with the punches,
Take each blow as if
It's deserved?
Pretend as though you did everything right?
But it's not.
And you didn't.
You're a tsunami wave--
Good for nothing but
Destruction.
Crashing, thrashing, taking lives and homes
And for what?
The chase, you're forced to, because you can?
Or so you think.
As though nothing will
Stop you.
As if you overpower all.
But now you're broken,
You're weak.
And as you fall and recede
I take up my hammer
And nails
To rebuild what you've destroyed.
The lives you have
Broken.
My life you have broken.
All our lives, the lives of those who love
You.
But here we stand--
United, a force to reckon with.
We will rebuild what you have conquered
And I will leave you
Behind.
As just a fading memory.

Letter

I had spent an hour writing this letter. An hour! I didn't even take that long to write a paper for any of my classes and I still got A's.
I've always been the sentimental type. Words mean so very much to me and writing letters and small notes has been my way to let people know just how much I care. And so once again, I spent an hour pouring out my feelings and praise to her, telling her how wonderful and great she was. I signed it, put it in an envelope and put on my running clothes.
I hadn't ran in who knew how long. Probably months before, because I always found excuses not to. But I was going to stop that if it killed me. And so I stuffed the letter in my pocket in my sweats before locking the house door behind me. Then I took off running.
It's roughly a 20 minute run to Carrie's house. I figured I could last that long, even if I hadn't ran in months. So far, so good. I had my iPod playing and I was running to the beat. After 15 minutes, I reached down to check on my letter, making sure it was still there before I ran up the huge hill to reach her house.
And it was gone.
I searched all along the road, hoping it would be there and wasn't ruined in a puddle from the raining earlier in the day. I started running back to my house, taking the same sides of the road I did on my way there. Block after block, there was nothing. Not a single sign of that little white envelope. As I came to my street, I finally began to walk. Running for a half hour straight was no easy thing, especially while scouring the asphalt for a letter. As I stepped off the sidewalk to cross the street directly in front my house, I saw a suspicious looking white thing, lying in the road.
I leaned over and picked it up. Carrie's letter, slightly damp, but perfectly readable. I huffed for a moment and slowly walked to my car, pulling out my keys.
"No way am I running another half hour plus to get this to her," I muttered, opening my door. I slammed it shut and ignited the engine.

AA

Alone.
He is long gone.
I lay awake detached,
Wishing the year would come and pass
Away.

Needed

I didn't know what I was doing. But I knew exactly why I was doing it.

Jason, I need your help. From Kristen 4:36pm

That's all the simple text said and immediately I replied back. What do you need?
It had been two weeks since we had talked last. Or rather, since I had talked to her. She had been sending random texts the first few days after the dance telling me what a horrible person I was for treating Annie so bad. But I ignored her ever time. I wanted to talk to her when she texted me, I wanted to reply, but I just couldn't do it. I was going to prove, at least to myself, that I didn't need Kristen in my life. I didn't need her and I could be perfectly fine without her.
Well, at least that's what I was telling myself.
I knew that wasn't true, but I was going to try forcing myself to believe it anyway. Even if it did hurt me, I would keep ignoring her. After all I've already lasted two weeks. But I realized the moment I read that text, there was no way I could deny her pleas for help. Not when she said needed me. She needed me.

The only thought that could explain why I was doing what I was doing is that I love her. But I wasn't about to own up to it. So instead, I shoved that thought back and buried it six feet under. Sure, I cared. And I'd admit to that to myself, and even to her on the rare occasion these days. But no one was going to know that I didn't just love her as I would love a best friend, but was in love with her.

Bachellorette Party

Awkward doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean I don't generally have a problem talking about marriage and sex and joking about such things with my friends. It's what people do; I know that. And to be honest, it can be really hilarious at times. But his was just... awkward.
"Kissing isn't just for your lips," she said, reading the sex for dummies book out loud. Rather loudly, I might add.
From up the stairs a call came down. "Taryn! Don't read that out loud! I don't want to hear that coming from my oldest daughter, been if you are getting married next week."
"It's not even a big deal mom."
"You are so lucky your dad isn't in town. You know that he would just start going into great detail about your conception."
The front door shut just then.
"Hey, honey I'm home!"
Taryn gasped as she recognized the voice of her dad.
I cringed and gagged at the thought of where his conversation was headed.
Suddenly I wanted to be as far away as possible from this house and conversation before I heard something that would make me want to throw up for real.

Lighter

“Give me back my lighter,” I demanded in a mock angry tone.

“Or you’ll what, Jason? Tackle me again? I’m already down,” she laughed.

I laughed for a moment before my eyes got caught in hers. With a small smile on my face, I simply said, “No, but maybe I’ll…” kiss you.  I blinked quickly, trying to recover and get my mind as far away as possible from that train of thought.

“You’ll what, Jason?” she asked softly, keeping her eyes on me.

I began to smirk at her, prepping my hands by her waist. “Tickle you,” was all I said before my hands dove at her sides.

Her body began to twitch and convulse as I tickled her sides. Her laughing filled the air and her eyes began to twinkle.

“Jason! Jason, stop! That tickles!” she cried, laughing.

“Ha ha that’s the point, Kristen.” My snickering continued. “Are you gonna give me that lighter yet?”

“Yes, yes!” she said between gasps.

After a couple more seconds, I released her from my hold and just continued to laugh as she tried to catch her breath. She weakly held up her hand to me so I could take the lighter.

“Thank you.” I grinned at her and she tried to glare at me.

I jumped up and walked over to the small pile of wood we had plopped together and tossed some lighter fluid on it. Flicking the lighter with my thumb, I led the small flame to the kindling and lit it up. Immediately the flames caught and the warmth began to spread around and I started to warm.

There Are Two Types of Girls...

I couldn't believe I was having this conversation with her. Why couldn't she leave well alone?
"Jason, you can't twist the age old saying. Besides, that's straight up rude."
"Why not?" I questioned. "There is nothing wrong with what I'm saying. In fact, it's pretty much true."
I knew that was a low blow, especially considering she was a brunette, but I couldn't talk to her right now. I couldn't deal with all of this. She brought this one upon herself. I had finally started talking with her again and then she went and ruined it all. And now I was forced to ask another girl to this dance. Even though I wanted to take Kristen. The only way I could finally hopefully escape everything was if I hurt her enough to make her want to stay far, far away from me.
"'Pretty much true?' And what is that supposed to mean?" she asked, hurt. I thought I saw tears begin to fill her eyes, but she quickly recovered before I could get much of a look at her pain.
"Exactly what it sounds like, Kristen. Did I stutter? There are two types of girls in this world; blond and fat. I was sure I said it perfectly clear," I stated flatly.
Pain flashed across her face and a single tear trickled down her cheek.
Why am I so pathetic?

Canyon at Night

I was sure everything would go fine. I mean how often were creeps actually out and about in a canyon at night?
I pulled up to the park and found an open spot. Turning off my car, I peered out the window, checking for obscure dark patches in the night. After a few moments, I felt as though t were all right to venture out into the night, alone.
I slammed my door shut and hopped onto the hood of my crown Victoria. It was the perfect place to look at the stats from.
I had only been there a few short moments when I heard a noise.
"Hello?" I called out softly. "Is someone there?"
I felt a pinch in my arm. When I grabbed re area with my opposite hand, I felt a sharp, pointy object embedded in my skin. A soft cackle came from behind me as my conciousness began to fade.
And then I was gone.

If You're Going to Fail...

This entire semester I have done next to no work. I have been under the impression that I have some of the easiest professors on campus. Psychology with Larson only has one report for the entire semester, and the only project in Psychology History is a group presentation on a historical figure. 3 question quizzes in my Astronomy class every class day happened without fail with Professor Moody, but no homework other than reading which has been really nice the first month of the semester.
Or so I thought.
"On Wednesday you're Astronomy Observations are due, along with your worksheet. Tomorrow is the last day to take the test, unless you want to pay the $5 late charge to take it Wednesday." I about fell out of my seat in the planetarium. Astronomy Observation? Worksheet? What is Mad-Eye Moody talking about?
As quickly as I could log onto my Astronomy class site after my classes were over, I looked under course documents. Sure enough, a worksheet was listed. When I saw the number of pages it was, my eyes bugged out of my head.
22 pages? 4 of which are definitions?! I'm going to fail this test...
 "Well. If I'm going to fail, I better fail epically or there's no point to it."
And with that, I shut down my laptop and went to Carson's house, forgetting the homework and studying for the test entirely.

Elephant

"Well, how has your practicing gone this summer? Who have you been playing with lately? Anyone worthwhile?" I couldn't handle the awkward silence that was going on. I may have been all right with this over-sized elephant at the start of this adventure, but it had now gained a ton or two and it has now long outstayed its welcome. I was going to shove it out of this room, or it was going to squash and kill me. I couldn’t decide which would be worse.

“Oh. It’s been all right. I get kind of bored playing with the girls I do, but I don’t have any other options really. My best friend and his buddies kind of deserted me a few months back, for some unknown reason to me” I couldn’t help but cringe at that. “I actually think my game has digressed because of it. These girls are no challenge at all, even if they are on my team. It’s pretty much worse than useless.”

Before I truly processed what she had said, what I was thinking, and what words were forming in my head, I spoke. “You should come play with us tomorrow night. We’re short a few guys and you’re better than most of them on the team anyway.”

The look of shock seemed to be permanently stuck on her face. I’m sure my face was pretty priceless too though. We stared at each other for a couple minutes before I finally looked away, coughing awkwardly.

“Uh, well, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Jason…” she tentatively said. My face flamed red.

“Oh, yeah. Right. Totally okay. I don’t know what I was thinking,” I muttered lamely.

“Well, I mean I’ll probably not be able to keep up with you guys anymore, you know. “ That threw me for a loop. I thought it was because of me… I had to think of something new to say.

“Oh, come on. You’d be great I’m sure.” I couldn’t let her think I thought she couldn’t play well anymore. I knew she could. Just because we didn’t talk much anymore didn’t mean I never watched her play from time to time, wishing from afar that I could be out there with her. I missed the days where we played for hours, and I’d give just about anything to get that back.

“Really? I don’t know. Do you really think so?” she asked, eyes filled with hope. And here we go again… How do I answer that without crushing her? Again.

“Yeah. You really are Kristen. Honestly.” I reached out and touched her shoulder and she smiled at me. And it was genuine, which was something that I hadn’t seen in a long time.

“Wow, you’re really warm,” she told me.

“Are you cold? Oh, man I’m sorry Kristen. Here, come over here.” I lifted my arm up and waved my hand at her. “We’ll scoot in closer to the fire too.”

Scooting ourselves over to the fire, we huddled close together. She rested her head on my shoulder and I could’ve sworn I heard her sigh softly, content.

And just like that, whatever elephant had been in place for these months had finally been pushed aside. The stone cut walls were broken down and once again, we were best friends for the moment.