I've never felt quite like this before. It's an odd feeling really. Or I guess I should say feelings. I can't decide which of them is in more control. On the one hand, I'm so happy for them; having a new sister is going to be so great and I'm beyond excited! I'm bubbling with joy at the thought and I feel like I'm going to burst! But at the same time, why does she get all the luck? I'm not bitter, really. I just don't think I've been more jealous in my entire life than I am of her.
She's getting married! It's some of the most fantastic news I've ever had the chance of hearing. But, I'm jealous the fact she's marrying him. Well, not him, per say. But marrying into his family. One of the greatest families it is possible to marry into.
Aw, love. It's such a great thing, isn't it?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Inner Nerd
I've never been a big fan of Halloween or the days previous to it. But I knew that if I didn't get on the ball sooner rather than later, my mother in law would have a hay day. So I searched through my closet, checked out Wal Mart, all in hopes of finding that perfect costume. Who knew the perfect costume would actually involve an old Mason's sword?
Tying up my dark green tunic and matching hat, buckling my belt and strapping on my boots, I was almost ready to go. All I needed now was the Mason sword hanging at my waste and Hyrule's shield in hand. And behold, I was Link.
Let your inner nerd be set free!
Tying up my dark green tunic and matching hat, buckling my belt and strapping on my boots, I was almost ready to go. All I needed now was the Mason sword hanging at my waste and Hyrule's shield in hand. And behold, I was Link.
Let your inner nerd be set free!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tears
The saline rolls down my face
And my eyes begin to swell.
I miss what I recall of you;
Your heart, your laugh, your smell.
I thought I meant something to you.
You still mean the world to me.
But I see now it wasn't so
And yet how could that be?
I heard the love in your voice
I saw the tears in your eyes.
I thought you really, turly cared,
So how'd I miss your disguise?
You'll never know the damage you've done,
You're no longer here to see it all.
My heart continues to ache and break.
My tears continue to fall.
And my eyes begin to swell.
I miss what I recall of you;
Your heart, your laugh, your smell.
I thought I meant something to you.
You still mean the world to me.
But I see now it wasn't so
And yet how could that be?
I heard the love in your voice
I saw the tears in your eyes.
I thought you really, turly cared,
So how'd I miss your disguise?
You'll never know the damage you've done,
You're no longer here to see it all.
My heart continues to ache and break.
My tears continue to fall.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Numb
Break me again.
Give me pain.
Maybe if you give a little more
I'll go numb.
No feeling.
No pain.
Numb.
That beautiful feeling of not caring.
Where nothing matters.
It's just me.
Me and my thoughts.
Thoughts that wander back.
Back to you.
To memories
And what we were.
Were.
Past tense.
No longer.
Pain.
Memories bring pain.
More.
Remind me again.
Kisses that meant something.
Hugs that did too.
Memories that hurt.
That give more pain than anything.
All to get me
Numb.
That beautiful feeling of not caring.
Where nothing matters.
But you.
Memories of you.
Whwat we were
What we could be.
What we're not.
What we will be.
The future.
Thoughts of terror.
Fear.
Pain caused by self.
Me.
Just me.
Broken.
Shattered.
But so together still.
That's what it takes to be
Numb.
This isn't a current standing of how I'm feeling, by the way.
Give me pain.
Maybe if you give a little more
I'll go numb.
No feeling.
No pain.
Numb.
That beautiful feeling of not caring.
Where nothing matters.
It's just me.
Me and my thoughts.
Thoughts that wander back.
Back to you.
To memories
And what we were.
Were.
Past tense.
No longer.
Pain.
Memories bring pain.
More.
Remind me again.
Kisses that meant something.
Hugs that did too.
Memories that hurt.
That give more pain than anything.
All to get me
Numb.
That beautiful feeling of not caring.
Where nothing matters.
But you.
Memories of you.
Whwat we were
What we could be.
What we're not.
What we will be.
The future.
Thoughts of terror.
Fear.
Pain caused by self.
Me.
Just me.
Broken.
Shattered.
But so together still.
That's what it takes to be
Numb.
This isn't a current standing of how I'm feeling, by the way.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Those People
"Hey what's up?"
"Not much. Just watching the Cardinals game. Why?"
I put my phone down on the couch and looked back at the TV screen. The Cardinals were down by 3 and it didn't look like they were going to pull out of it. It was the bottom of the 8th and the Yanks were up to bat with two outs already.
The game continued, the Cardinals managing to get another run in the top of the 9th.
Glancing at my phone again, I noticed there still wasn't a text. It had been 20 minutes now.
"Did you have something in mind?" I asked again.
As I looked back at the game again, I saw Mark Hamilton up to bat, ready to swing. He missed entirely and I threw my head back in frustration. At this rate, I was sure my team wouldn't win...
"Jason, dinner time!" I heard my mom call down the stairs. I grumbled a bit before jumping up and heading up the stairs. I took a quick look at my phone again, just in case Marshall had said something.
Nothing.
What is with people? Who texts someone and doesn't reply? I asked myself, annoyed. Whatever. Who needed him anyway.
"Not much. Just watching the Cardinals game. Why?"
I put my phone down on the couch and looked back at the TV screen. The Cardinals were down by 3 and it didn't look like they were going to pull out of it. It was the bottom of the 8th and the Yanks were up to bat with two outs already.
The game continued, the Cardinals managing to get another run in the top of the 9th.
Glancing at my phone again, I noticed there still wasn't a text. It had been 20 minutes now.
"Did you have something in mind?" I asked again.
As I looked back at the game again, I saw Mark Hamilton up to bat, ready to swing. He missed entirely and I threw my head back in frustration. At this rate, I was sure my team wouldn't win...
"Jason, dinner time!" I heard my mom call down the stairs. I grumbled a bit before jumping up and heading up the stairs. I took a quick look at my phone again, just in case Marshall had said something.
Nothing.
What is with people? Who texts someone and doesn't reply? I asked myself, annoyed. Whatever. Who needed him anyway.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
You're It
I'd had it. I'd kissed her a couple times and it'd scared me every time. I kept fearing that if I kissed her again, I would go insane; that was my reasoning to why I wouldn't just go for it and let her thoughts come to me. But I didn't care anymore. Not kissing her was driving me just as insane as kissing her ever could, and I couldn't take this self-induced insanity any longer.
Kristen was just standing there, as if waiting for me to make a move. A faint smile found its way to her lips and it was that little movement that set everything in motion.
I leaned forward quickly and softly touched her lips to mine. I pulled a way almost instantly with a small chuckle, opening my eyes to gaze at her.
"You're it," I told her, a smile creeping upon my face. Her eyes lit up before me and without me realizing what she was doing, she leaned forward and kissed me back quickly before running off into the field.
All the while she was yelling back at me. "Now you're it!"
Kristen was just standing there, as if waiting for me to make a move. A faint smile found its way to her lips and it was that little movement that set everything in motion.
I leaned forward quickly and softly touched her lips to mine. I pulled a way almost instantly with a small chuckle, opening my eyes to gaze at her.
"You're it," I told her, a smile creeping upon my face. Her eyes lit up before me and without me realizing what she was doing, she leaned forward and kissed me back quickly before running off into the field.
All the while she was yelling back at me. "Now you're it!"
Monday, October 25, 2010
Looking Back
Looking back on those summer nights
I realize
We never knew how good we had it.
Cool breeze.
Under trees.
Making memories beneath the stars.
Looking back on those summer nights
I memorize
Your face, bursting with joy in your eyes.
Laughing.
Smiling
Being who we want to be and are.
Those summer nights together.
"Let's make this one count," we said.
"Let's make this one worth a memory."
And we did.
And they were.
I can see the breeze tossing your hair.
The sparkle in your eyes,
A smile dancing about your lips.
And I remember who you are.
I can see you.
All of you.
And I think to myself--
This is life.
This is worth living for.
I realize
We never knew how good we had it.
Cool breeze.
Under trees.
Making memories beneath the stars.
Looking back on those summer nights
I memorize
Your face, bursting with joy in your eyes.
Laughing.
Smiling
Being who we want to be and are.
Those summer nights together.
"Let's make this one count," we said.
"Let's make this one worth a memory."
And we did.
And they were.
I can see the breeze tossing your hair.
The sparkle in your eyes,
A smile dancing about your lips.
And I remember who you are.
I can see you.
All of you.
And I think to myself--
This is life.
This is worth living for.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Львів (L'viv)
Drip. Drop.
Soft pitter-pattering rain.
Faces turn heavenward
To gaze into the night.
Drip. Drop
Everwhere you turn-
It's there,
Falling from the clouds like
Tear drops from an eye.
Drip. Drop.
It starts to come on harder
Coating everything in cold
Water from on high.
My arms spread,
My eyes rise to the sky
And I spin.
Mouth open wide,
Eyes squinting in surprise,
A grin spreads across my face.
Arms outstretched,
Twirling in delight.
Stars blurring in the sky.
Simple joy.
Perfect peace.
And I remember;
This is being a kid.
Carefree and happy
With the simple things in life.
Soft pitter-pattering rain.
Faces turn heavenward
To gaze into the night.
Drip. Drop
Everwhere you turn-
It's there,
Falling from the clouds like
Tear drops from an eye.
Drip. Drop.
It starts to come on harder
Coating everything in cold
Water from on high.
My arms spread,
My eyes rise to the sky
And I spin.
Mouth open wide,
Eyes squinting in surprise,
A grin spreads across my face.
Arms outstretched,
Twirling in delight.
Stars blurring in the sky.
Simple joy.
Perfect peace.
And I remember;
This is being a kid.
Carefree and happy
With the simple things in life.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The Morning After
An annoying beep continued to ring in the air. I swatted to my left and shut it up, simultaneously flopping my body on my stomach. Burying my face in the pillow, I made a couple grunts. I was not ready to be awake.
I turned my face to look at the clock. 7:00 am. School started at 7:45, which meant I had another hour I could sleep and still be on time to class.
"I love Russ on these days," I muttered, letting myself drift off to sleep.
The annoyance returned all too short of time though. I swung my feet over my bed and slowly got up to brush my teeth and put on a hoody and sweats. There was no way I was going to make it today otherwise.
Pulling out the drawer in the bathroom, I searched for my toothbrush and paste. But the toothpaste wasn't anywhere. I opened all the drawers, even my brother's, trying to find it. Finally I called up the stairs.
"Mom, have you seen the toothpaste anywhere?"
"No, Jason. Unless Max took it for some reason, I haven't seen it!"
I slouched and walked back to the bathroom to put away my toothbrush. Apparently I was being anti-hygiene for the day.
The clock seemed to be glaring at me as I put on my hoody. It was 8:10 now, and I needed to be in class by 8:15 just in case Russ took role today.
Grabbing my keys, I ran up the stairs to grab a quick bite to eat before slamming the door shut to the garage. I sped a little on the way too school. Lucky for me, I have my own parking spot by the station, so it only took me moments to walk into class once I got out of my car. But it seemed to slip my mind the whole 20 minutes I had now been awake that it was a B day. Meaning Kristen was here with me. And would be; all day. I spotted her the moment I walked into the room, and noticed she was looking at me too and smiled. Somehow, I seemed to have forgotten how beautiful her smile is. Kristen got up and started walking over to me. And I froze.
I couldn't deal with her right now. She would expect me to be nice, especially after our conversation last night. Especially since it went past 4 am. But I couldn't be. If I did that, I knew everything would come together which would then make it fall apart. I couldn't be nice to her, not like I was yesterday, but I couldn't give her the cold shoulder. I was stuck and I had no escape.
I turned my face to look at the clock. 7:00 am. School started at 7:45, which meant I had another hour I could sleep and still be on time to class.
"I love Russ on these days," I muttered, letting myself drift off to sleep.
The annoyance returned all too short of time though. I swung my feet over my bed and slowly got up to brush my teeth and put on a hoody and sweats. There was no way I was going to make it today otherwise.
Pulling out the drawer in the bathroom, I searched for my toothbrush and paste. But the toothpaste wasn't anywhere. I opened all the drawers, even my brother's, trying to find it. Finally I called up the stairs.
"Mom, have you seen the toothpaste anywhere?"
"No, Jason. Unless Max took it for some reason, I haven't seen it!"
I slouched and walked back to the bathroom to put away my toothbrush. Apparently I was being anti-hygiene for the day.
The clock seemed to be glaring at me as I put on my hoody. It was 8:10 now, and I needed to be in class by 8:15 just in case Russ took role today.
Grabbing my keys, I ran up the stairs to grab a quick bite to eat before slamming the door shut to the garage. I sped a little on the way too school. Lucky for me, I have my own parking spot by the station, so it only took me moments to walk into class once I got out of my car. But it seemed to slip my mind the whole 20 minutes I had now been awake that it was a B day. Meaning Kristen was here with me. And would be; all day. I spotted her the moment I walked into the room, and noticed she was looking at me too and smiled. Somehow, I seemed to have forgotten how beautiful her smile is. Kristen got up and started walking over to me. And I froze.
I couldn't deal with her right now. She would expect me to be nice, especially after our conversation last night. Especially since it went past 4 am. But I couldn't be. If I did that, I knew everything would come together which would then make it fall apart. I couldn't be nice to her, not like I was yesterday, but I couldn't give her the cold shoulder. I was stuck and I had no escape.
Friday, October 22, 2010
I Need a Nap
I don't remember the last time I good a good night's sleep. Not all through the night anyway. That luxury had eluded me for months now, no matter what I did. It's really no wonder that my grades were being effected.
"I failed that history test today," I was telling him, but Marshall wasn't really paying any attention to me.
"Hey, man. Stop checking out Carrie. You're the one who broke up with her," I punched his shoulder.
"Ha ha, sorry Jason. I can't help it sometimes. What were you saying?" he asked.
I sighed. "Forget about it." No one really needed to listen to me whine and complain. All these guys have already heard my sob story a million times before.
"All right. Well I'm going out for lunch today. You coming?"
I thought about it for a moment but decided against it. "Nah, I've got homework to do," I lied and he gave my fist a hit before walking out to the parking lot.
Honestly, I just needed to take a nap.
"I failed that history test today," I was telling him, but Marshall wasn't really paying any attention to me.
"Hey, man. Stop checking out Carrie. You're the one who broke up with her," I punched his shoulder.
"Ha ha, sorry Jason. I can't help it sometimes. What were you saying?" he asked.
I sighed. "Forget about it." No one really needed to listen to me whine and complain. All these guys have already heard my sob story a million times before.
"All right. Well I'm going out for lunch today. You coming?"
I thought about it for a moment but decided against it. "Nah, I've got homework to do," I lied and he gave my fist a hit before walking out to the parking lot.
Honestly, I just needed to take a nap.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
As I Got Older...
A long time ago
I used to believe
That things were exactly
The way that they seemed.
But as I've grown up
And gotten much older
I realize now
That things are much colder.
It's no longer about who you are
But who you know.
You do what it takes to be on top
Even when it means a low blow.
And this world isn't quite
As nice as I thought.
But I will proceed happily
With what I've got.
I used to believe
That things were exactly
The way that they seemed.
But as I've grown up
And gotten much older
I realize now
That things are much colder.
It's no longer about who you are
But who you know.
You do what it takes to be on top
Even when it means a low blow.
And this world isn't quite
As nice as I thought.
But I will proceed happily
With what I've got.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Gross
"Muscle Milk? Who actually drinks that stuff?" I wondered aloud. It sounded disgusting. Even if it was chocolate flavored.
"I do," Darren said, pulling a can off the shelf. "And it's pretty good too."
I had to hold back a gag. "Oh yeah, if by good you mean nasty." He glared in my direction. "Ha, yeah, I'm sure it's splendid," I corrected myself, rolling my eyes. Of all the things...
"That's right. And lucky you, we're making shakes tonight with it for the family get together!"
Immediately I choked on my saliva. "We're what?!"
"Yup. It's part of mom and dad's "get healthy" plan. Now I don't have to go buy my own snacks or work off the junk food..." he muttered.
Only Darren would be concerned about that. Stupid high school jock brother. "I think I'm gonna be sick..."
"I do," Darren said, pulling a can off the shelf. "And it's pretty good too."
I had to hold back a gag. "Oh yeah, if by good you mean nasty." He glared in my direction. "Ha, yeah, I'm sure it's splendid," I corrected myself, rolling my eyes. Of all the things...
"That's right. And lucky you, we're making shakes tonight with it for the family get together!"
Immediately I choked on my saliva. "We're what?!"
"Yup. It's part of mom and dad's "get healthy" plan. Now I don't have to go buy my own snacks or work off the junk food..." he muttered.
Only Darren would be concerned about that. Stupid high school jock brother. "I think I'm gonna be sick..."
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunflowers
"Elliot, wait up!" My feet were tripping over twigs left and right. Leaves and branches crunched beneath my feet.
"Hurry up, Kellie! You're falling behind!" he called back with a glance over his shoulder.
Trees flew past on either side as I ran through the green foliage. I couldn't catch up to El while I was dodging so much of nature around me. I swatted at a branch as I ran by, but it flung back in my face.
"Ow," I grumbled, pushing forward. I couldn't lose him.
"Kellie, we're almost there, just another hundred yards or so!"
I rubbed my face really quick, opening and closing my eyes, trying to refocus them. My pace slowed until I stopped, my cheek hurting too much. Putting my hand in front of my face, my fingers had splotches of red on them. Pressing them together, I found them to be sticky, but they weren't too bad.
Looking around, I was disoriented. I didn't have a clue where Elliot had run to. I called out to him. "Where'd you go?"
"Over here."
I turned to my right and started walking toward his voice. Pushing a branch to the side, I looked in to where he was, sitting cross-legged in the grass, and gasped. A field of yellow expanded across my view, sunflowers sprouting up each way I looked. I looked at Elliot; he motioned to me.
With his arm outstretched to me, he pulled me down to the ground with him. He turned to look at me with a smile on his face.
"Like it?" he asked.
"Like it? I love it. This place. It's absolutely beautiful."
Elliot lifted his hand and brushed his fingers across my cheek and my eyes were drawn to his. "Nah, the only beautiful thing here is you."
"Hurry up, Kellie! You're falling behind!" he called back with a glance over his shoulder.
Trees flew past on either side as I ran through the green foliage. I couldn't catch up to El while I was dodging so much of nature around me. I swatted at a branch as I ran by, but it flung back in my face.
"Ow," I grumbled, pushing forward. I couldn't lose him.
"Kellie, we're almost there, just another hundred yards or so!"
I rubbed my face really quick, opening and closing my eyes, trying to refocus them. My pace slowed until I stopped, my cheek hurting too much. Putting my hand in front of my face, my fingers had splotches of red on them. Pressing them together, I found them to be sticky, but they weren't too bad.
Looking around, I was disoriented. I didn't have a clue where Elliot had run to. I called out to him. "Where'd you go?"
"Over here."
I turned to my right and started walking toward his voice. Pushing a branch to the side, I looked in to where he was, sitting cross-legged in the grass, and gasped. A field of yellow expanded across my view, sunflowers sprouting up each way I looked. I looked at Elliot; he motioned to me.
With his arm outstretched to me, he pulled me down to the ground with him. He turned to look at me with a smile on his face.
"Like it?" he asked.
"Like it? I love it. This place. It's absolutely beautiful."
Elliot lifted his hand and brushed his fingers across my cheek and my eyes were drawn to his. "Nah, the only beautiful thing here is you."
Monday, October 18, 2010
Return To Me
Back against the wall,
Staring out the open window,
Feet up upon the sill.
Stars twinkle up above and a breeze flows through my hair.
I gaze into the night.
Thoughts swirl through my mind-
Happy times and places,
Faces smiling in joy.
Memories of a time now passed, never to return.
Childhood and teenage years.
Peering past the city lights,
Into the night sky,
I smile at my past.
All I need to feel at peace is think about those times.
Childhood, happiness.
My tranquil state begins to rise
Envelopes me through.
I'm whole, at one, complete.
Reminiscing in my past,
I can forget the now.
Loneliness, sorrow, pain.
Keep on dreaming.
Keep on hoping.
Living in my past.
Till you return to me.
I wrote this a few months ago while in Ukraine, in the exact windowsill described above, with the city lights of Kiyv washing over me. Man, I miss that place.
Staring out the open window,
Feet up upon the sill.
Stars twinkle up above and a breeze flows through my hair.
I gaze into the night.
Thoughts swirl through my mind-
Happy times and places,
Faces smiling in joy.
Memories of a time now passed, never to return.
Childhood and teenage years.
Peering past the city lights,
Into the night sky,
I smile at my past.
All I need to feel at peace is think about those times.
Childhood, happiness.
My tranquil state begins to rise
Envelopes me through.
I'm whole, at one, complete.
Reminiscing in my past,
I can forget the now.
Loneliness, sorrow, pain.
Keep on dreaming.
Keep on hoping.
Living in my past.
Till you return to me.
I wrote this a few months ago while in Ukraine, in the exact windowsill described above, with the city lights of Kiyv washing over me. Man, I miss that place.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Walking... Or Lack Thereof
I knew I needed to exercise more. Especially with how my mood had been lately. This whole "being down on myself" thing was getting old, fast. And I've heard that exercising helps that. So I decided to get off my butt and do something with myself that night. That's more than I could say for my brother.
I had been walking around our neighborhood for a solid hour, weaving between the streets, back and forth. I was just about to turn the corner to my street when a familiar figure leaves the house of my bishop, along with a whole slew of others. I hear his truck beep and lights turn on as he unlocked his doors.
"Really, Steve? You couldn't walk to here? You had to drive. Do you ever do anything?" I asked. I mean, honestly, it was only three houses away.
"Want a ride too?" All I could do was raise an eyebrow and walk away from him.
The sad thing was, I knew he was serious.
I had been walking around our neighborhood for a solid hour, weaving between the streets, back and forth. I was just about to turn the corner to my street when a familiar figure leaves the house of my bishop, along with a whole slew of others. I hear his truck beep and lights turn on as he unlocked his doors.
"Really, Steve? You couldn't walk to here? You had to drive. Do you ever do anything?" I asked. I mean, honestly, it was only three houses away.
"Want a ride too?" All I could do was raise an eyebrow and walk away from him.
The sad thing was, I knew he was serious.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
You've Got Mail
"You've got mail."
I looked over at my laptop. Who in the world emails at this hour of the night? It's almost midnight! I thought. I clicked on the message from Derek's mom. It had something to do with Derek and how he was doing teaching English on the other side of the world...
There was an attachment, a picture, of him with one of the other teachers he was there with. Someone named Cameron Young who is a solid 6 inches taller than Derek. Or at least, that's what the description said. The picture was taking forever to download...
Finally it popped up. At first I gasped, then laughter burst forth. Derek had gained at least 25 pounds over the last little while. Boy, foreign countries were definitely not being nice to him. And yet, he was still the most adorable man I'd ever met, and in all honesty, I couldn't find anyone else I found more attractive.
I sighed. Man, I miss him.
I looked over at my laptop. Who in the world emails at this hour of the night? It's almost midnight! I thought. I clicked on the message from Derek's mom. It had something to do with Derek and how he was doing teaching English on the other side of the world...
There was an attachment, a picture, of him with one of the other teachers he was there with. Someone named Cameron Young who is a solid 6 inches taller than Derek. Or at least, that's what the description said. The picture was taking forever to download...
Finally it popped up. At first I gasped, then laughter burst forth. Derek had gained at least 25 pounds over the last little while. Boy, foreign countries were definitely not being nice to him. And yet, he was still the most adorable man I'd ever met, and in all honesty, I couldn't find anyone else I found more attractive.
I sighed. Man, I miss him.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Childhood Friends
"Hey, congrats man," I said with a fake smile plastered on my face. I never thought this would be so hard.
"Thanks. I'm glad it's finally happened," he replied back. Hesitantly, he reached his arm out and gave me an awkward side hug. I always hated those kinds of hugs. It was as if they were only given because someone felt obligated to do so; they meant nothing. Which was really hard for me to handle, considering he'd been my best friend for so long.
"Yeah, who knew you'd be married first eh? 20 and married. Never saw that one coming. I'm a bit envious."
"Don't worry about it. Nathaniel will be home soon and you'll get this too," he said reassuringly. But I didn't need reassurance. I already knew what was going to happen in my life. I was more concerned about what was going to happen in his.
"Oh, yeah. Of course. It'll be great having him back. Only a year away now..." I drifted off. I looked around the reception hall and sighed. And one point, we both thought we would be doing this together. A long time ago, in a whole different life, we believed we were the ones who were to get married. They called us Nala and Simba for years; best friends since childhood, bound to marry at one point. But we both knew our story wouldn't end that way.
"I'm really happy for you Dayne," I honestly told him. And I was. Jealous, sure, but I was glad he finally found the happiness he'd been searching for for years.
"Thanks Peyton, that means a lot to me." And this time, he gave me a real hug. The kind of siblings. And with that, I was able to let go of my best friend, and give him to her. I just hoped she knew that if she ever hurt him, I'd be the first to hunt her down.
"Thanks. I'm glad it's finally happened," he replied back. Hesitantly, he reached his arm out and gave me an awkward side hug. I always hated those kinds of hugs. It was as if they were only given because someone felt obligated to do so; they meant nothing. Which was really hard for me to handle, considering he'd been my best friend for so long.
"Yeah, who knew you'd be married first eh? 20 and married. Never saw that one coming. I'm a bit envious."
"Don't worry about it. Nathaniel will be home soon and you'll get this too," he said reassuringly. But I didn't need reassurance. I already knew what was going to happen in my life. I was more concerned about what was going to happen in his.
"Oh, yeah. Of course. It'll be great having him back. Only a year away now..." I drifted off. I looked around the reception hall and sighed. And one point, we both thought we would be doing this together. A long time ago, in a whole different life, we believed we were the ones who were to get married. They called us Nala and Simba for years; best friends since childhood, bound to marry at one point. But we both knew our story wouldn't end that way.
"I'm really happy for you Dayne," I honestly told him. And I was. Jealous, sure, but I was glad he finally found the happiness he'd been searching for for years.
"Thanks Peyton, that means a lot to me." And this time, he gave me a real hug. The kind of siblings. And with that, I was able to let go of my best friend, and give him to her. I just hoped she knew that if she ever hurt him, I'd be the first to hunt her down.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
We Used To Be Friends
Does she realize she's just droning on? I don't care about Kyx. Nor do I care about her relationship with him. After all, why would I? We used to be friends a long time ago, but we weren't really anymore. Or so I kept telling myself.
Lux had once been my girlfriend, the best to be honest. I could go so far as to say I loved her even. But that was long before she stabbed me in the back and watched my bleed.
I tried for the longest time to get over it. I got to the point where I could at least stand to be around her, but she still was what she was. A liar. A cheat. Hanging on any man with a heartbeat. I couldn't call her a friend, not when I didn't care about her. But I knew that was a lie. I did care. A little too much. Sadly, though, she cared too little.
Lux had once been my girlfriend, the best to be honest. I could go so far as to say I loved her even. But that was long before she stabbed me in the back and watched my bleed.
I tried for the longest time to get over it. I got to the point where I could at least stand to be around her, but she still was what she was. A liar. A cheat. Hanging on any man with a heartbeat. I couldn't call her a friend, not when I didn't care about her. But I knew that was a lie. I did care. A little too much. Sadly, though, she cared too little.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Shopping Cart
"Come on Jason, just jump!"
I stared down at the rushing water below, hearing the cries of my friends coming up at me. They'd all jumped already, just like we all have a million times from this spot. But I needed to try something new. I needed to go further, take a more daring way. I needed to feel a rush, one that would get me away from my mind and let me get rid of all the guilt and pain I've got pent up inside. I needed a release.
I climbed up further on the bridge, higher than any of us had ever gone. I moved over to the right a bit more, thinking it looked somewhat deeper than where we've been jumping. I stood and took a deep breath and as I released the breath, I let myself tumble forward.
I could feel the adrenaline pump through my veins as I picked up speed and got closer to the river. My mind cleared and a smile came on my face; this was therapeutic. I was in my own personal tranquil state, falling through the sky to the water below.
My feet crashed against the water first and I loved the feel of cool water rushing over me. But then something went wrong.
Pain. Lots of pain, shooting up my leg.
I reached my hands out, searching for what I hit. I couldn't feel a thing. And then my fingers brushed against something smooth and hard. It felt like metal. Grabbing hold of it, I tugged, but not hard enough. Getting a better grip, I pulled it with me out of the river as best I could as my friends jumped back in the water to help me. Damien and Brad wrapped their arms around me, dragging me to shore as Marshall pulled it that massive thing. When I was finally on the shoreline, I flopped on a rock and didn't look back. At least, not until all three called my name for different reasons.
"Jason, I think you better get a look at this. You might be in some trouble." That was Marshall.
"Jason, your leg. I think we need to call an ambulance, man."
I turned to Marshall first and gasped.
A shopping cart, mangled and rusted, sat on the shoreline five feet away from me. I took a quick glance at my leg, remember what Brad had said and my breath caught again. I could see muscle. I could see so much red as it flowed into the river and as the gears in my head began to work, shock started to take over. My breathing became shallow, my eyes began to blur. And before I knew it, the pain overwhelmed me and I was out cold.
I stared down at the rushing water below, hearing the cries of my friends coming up at me. They'd all jumped already, just like we all have a million times from this spot. But I needed to try something new. I needed to go further, take a more daring way. I needed to feel a rush, one that would get me away from my mind and let me get rid of all the guilt and pain I've got pent up inside. I needed a release.
I climbed up further on the bridge, higher than any of us had ever gone. I moved over to the right a bit more, thinking it looked somewhat deeper than where we've been jumping. I stood and took a deep breath and as I released the breath, I let myself tumble forward.
I could feel the adrenaline pump through my veins as I picked up speed and got closer to the river. My mind cleared and a smile came on my face; this was therapeutic. I was in my own personal tranquil state, falling through the sky to the water below.
My feet crashed against the water first and I loved the feel of cool water rushing over me. But then something went wrong.
Pain. Lots of pain, shooting up my leg.
I reached my hands out, searching for what I hit. I couldn't feel a thing. And then my fingers brushed against something smooth and hard. It felt like metal. Grabbing hold of it, I tugged, but not hard enough. Getting a better grip, I pulled it with me out of the river as best I could as my friends jumped back in the water to help me. Damien and Brad wrapped their arms around me, dragging me to shore as Marshall pulled it that massive thing. When I was finally on the shoreline, I flopped on a rock and didn't look back. At least, not until all three called my name for different reasons.
"Jason, I think you better get a look at this. You might be in some trouble." That was Marshall.
"Jason, your leg. I think we need to call an ambulance, man."
I turned to Marshall first and gasped.
A shopping cart, mangled and rusted, sat on the shoreline five feet away from me. I took a quick glance at my leg, remember what Brad had said and my breath caught again. I could see muscle. I could see so much red as it flowed into the river and as the gears in my head began to work, shock started to take over. My breathing became shallow, my eyes began to blur. And before I knew it, the pain overwhelmed me and I was out cold.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Sam and Bert
"I didn't do it!" she cried.
"Didn't do what, Samantha?"
The teenage girl continued to pace the floor in front of me, arms crossed, hair frazzled.
"I didn't stab Jaren in the back. It wasn't me. I just remember him, lying on the floor, my hands all bloody from his wound when Casey walked in and..." sobs overtook her. I watched as she slumped to the ground, crumpled really.
"Then who did?" I asked, trying my best to sound concerned. If I could help it, I was going to refrain from seeing that angry "side" of her again.
Silence. But then, "Don't you dare blame Samantha for this!" a somewhat manly voice came from the crumpled figure on the floor. "Don't you dare try saying this was her fault! This wasn't her fault! She wasn't even there!"
"Bert?" I questioned the girl. She had switched personalities.
"It was me," it grumbled from the floor. "It was me! I killed him!" Samantha/Bert stood and glared at me, walking toward me. "And I would do it again. I'll kill you!"
"Didn't do what, Samantha?"
The teenage girl continued to pace the floor in front of me, arms crossed, hair frazzled.
"I didn't stab Jaren in the back. It wasn't me. I just remember him, lying on the floor, my hands all bloody from his wound when Casey walked in and..." sobs overtook her. I watched as she slumped to the ground, crumpled really.
"Then who did?" I asked, trying my best to sound concerned. If I could help it, I was going to refrain from seeing that angry "side" of her again.
Silence. But then, "Don't you dare blame Samantha for this!" a somewhat manly voice came from the crumpled figure on the floor. "Don't you dare try saying this was her fault! This wasn't her fault! She wasn't even there!"
"Bert?" I questioned the girl. She had switched personalities.
"It was me," it grumbled from the floor. "It was me! I killed him!" Samantha/Bert stood and glared at me, walking toward me. "And I would do it again. I'll kill you!"
Monday, October 11, 2010
Laptops and the Testing Center
If there's only two things I learned today, those would be to never buy anything from Best Buy and don't study for a test. Ever. This seems like a stupid thing to not do, right? Wrong.
My started off in Astronomy class. I had my laptop out, taking notes. Class had only been going ten minutes when my screen froze up. Then it blacked out, and rebooted itself. The first ten minutes of notes were gone when I tried to recover what I'd lost.
"You have got to be kidding me..."
This had already happened a few times before in the 3 weeks I'd had this laptop. My brother in law said that it was probably a poor corrupted download of iTunes, and to just uninstall it, then download it again. So I did. And it seemed, for a few days, that that was the problem. But then, once again, it started to shut down. I ignored it though, thinking it wouldn't be very frustrating. Until now, when it killed my notes. I was sure I was going to scream.
I shut down the computer and pulled out some paper. Going old school. And that's how I was for the rest of the day as I went to my next two psychology classes. At least I could get this fixed by Best Buy's Geek Squad.
Right as I came up the stairs from the basement of the building since there is no service down there, I got a text. "Hey, want to go out to lunch? I haven't seen you in a few weeks..." Every couple weeks it was the same. I'd get almost the same text, asking to go for lunch. What, does this girl think I'm made of money or something?
"Sorry, Lexie, I have to study. I have a test for World Civ. I have to do today. I haven't really studied much. Not that I normally do, but I'm trying to break that habit. Maybe I'll get good grades for once this semester. :P"
She always assumed I was just blowing her off. And, all right, sometimes I was. But honestly, today was the last day to take the test in the testing center and I needed to get it done. And I had made a goal to actually do some studying this year in hopes of raising my GPA.
I walked away from the building and plopped myself out on the grass, basking in the sun. If I was going to do this necessary evil, I was going to at least try to enjoy it.
"Study guide, study guide..." I muttered, filing through old emails to find the one from my professor and other student in the class. One of the students had the brilliant idea of making a google doc for the exam for everyone and let us all pitch in so we could do our best. This meant I had to use my laptop to study, but I was willing to risk it.
"There we go!"
I opened up the attachment and went off on a study spree. I felt like I knew most of the material as it was; I had planned on majoring in history at one point, after all. But studying was in no way going to be detrimental to what I already knew.
After an hour of slaving away, I had gotten through all the material and felt pretty good about taking this test.
"I'll at least get an 90% and honestly that's more than enough," I kept telling myself. It's not like this was one of my major classes and I needed to get a good grade. As long as I passed, I would be fine, but a good grade would be nice.
When I walked into the testing center, I gave them my ID card and they got my bubble sheet. "This is not a timed test. You can't use a calculator, but you can write on the test. Good luck," the girl said and sent me on my way. Very personable people, those test workers.
I glanced at the test. 70 questions huh? Not too bad. Only 3 short answer questions, this should be a piece of cake.
Boy, was I ever wrong.
All throughout the test, I thought I was doing fantastically. Sure, there were a few questions here and there that I hadn't a clue what the answer was, but for the most part, I was feeling pretty good. When I finally finished, I turned it in so it could be scanned. Walking out the door and down the stairs, I took a deep breath in anticipation of seeing my score on the TV screen at the bottom.
I opened the door and searched the screen for my ID number. Then I gasped. Frantically I pulled out my ID card. Maybe I had memorized my number wrong; but I was 2267, wasn't I? Or maybe I really was 2265 like the screen said. There was no 2267 up there. Or maybe because you could write on the test they didn't electronically correct the bubble sheet and my score just wasn't up there at all. When I finally got my ID out, I huffed. 2267. That was definitely my score. All 53% of it.
It took all I had to slowly meander to my car down the hill. If that wasn't a mood killer, I didn't know what would be.
Note to self, never, ever, study for another test again.
"Well, at least this day can't get any worse. Unless I fail my next test too..."
I still had another test to take later that night on Blackboard. As soon as I got home, I pulled out my laptop and studied some more, hoping beyond hope that maybe if I just read the material, and didn't really "study" it, I would do better. It took hours to read the material he had for us online, but my computer was doing fine. I assumed that whatever glitch was going on would be safe to ignore for the next while.
My professor specifically told us not to use Internet Explorer 8, because it made Blackboard crash every time. I pulled up Google Chrome and logged in istead.
The test was pretty simple, much easier than the history test. But that didn't really say much, I decided. However, there were only 33 questions, so if nothing else, it wouldn't take nearly as long.
As I got to question 30, it was a list of people we had to list with their description.
"Laman... D, took wine to the Lamanites at night."
I was just about to submit this answer and move on to the next question when my mouse stopped working. I touched the pad again, hoping it would move. Ten seconds later, the screen went black, then blue.
"System error... shut down do preserve data... software download..."
I let my head fall back and it smacked against the wall. "Ow!" I yelped, now rubbing my head as my laptop started to reboot itself again.
"This would happen. The test I can only take once online. The one that is due in 3 1/2 hours. The one I can't even try to retake. F the system. I hate Best Buy."
My started off in Astronomy class. I had my laptop out, taking notes. Class had only been going ten minutes when my screen froze up. Then it blacked out, and rebooted itself. The first ten minutes of notes were gone when I tried to recover what I'd lost.
"You have got to be kidding me..."
This had already happened a few times before in the 3 weeks I'd had this laptop. My brother in law said that it was probably a poor corrupted download of iTunes, and to just uninstall it, then download it again. So I did. And it seemed, for a few days, that that was the problem. But then, once again, it started to shut down. I ignored it though, thinking it wouldn't be very frustrating. Until now, when it killed my notes. I was sure I was going to scream.
I shut down the computer and pulled out some paper. Going old school. And that's how I was for the rest of the day as I went to my next two psychology classes. At least I could get this fixed by Best Buy's Geek Squad.
Right as I came up the stairs from the basement of the building since there is no service down there, I got a text. "Hey, want to go out to lunch? I haven't seen you in a few weeks..." Every couple weeks it was the same. I'd get almost the same text, asking to go for lunch. What, does this girl think I'm made of money or something?
"Sorry, Lexie, I have to study. I have a test for World Civ. I have to do today. I haven't really studied much. Not that I normally do, but I'm trying to break that habit. Maybe I'll get good grades for once this semester. :P"
She always assumed I was just blowing her off. And, all right, sometimes I was. But honestly, today was the last day to take the test in the testing center and I needed to get it done. And I had made a goal to actually do some studying this year in hopes of raising my GPA.
I walked away from the building and plopped myself out on the grass, basking in the sun. If I was going to do this necessary evil, I was going to at least try to enjoy it.
"Study guide, study guide..." I muttered, filing through old emails to find the one from my professor and other student in the class. One of the students had the brilliant idea of making a google doc for the exam for everyone and let us all pitch in so we could do our best. This meant I had to use my laptop to study, but I was willing to risk it.
"There we go!"
I opened up the attachment and went off on a study spree. I felt like I knew most of the material as it was; I had planned on majoring in history at one point, after all. But studying was in no way going to be detrimental to what I already knew.
After an hour of slaving away, I had gotten through all the material and felt pretty good about taking this test.
"I'll at least get an 90% and honestly that's more than enough," I kept telling myself. It's not like this was one of my major classes and I needed to get a good grade. As long as I passed, I would be fine, but a good grade would be nice.
When I walked into the testing center, I gave them my ID card and they got my bubble sheet. "This is not a timed test. You can't use a calculator, but you can write on the test. Good luck," the girl said and sent me on my way. Very personable people, those test workers.
I glanced at the test. 70 questions huh? Not too bad. Only 3 short answer questions, this should be a piece of cake.
Boy, was I ever wrong.
All throughout the test, I thought I was doing fantastically. Sure, there were a few questions here and there that I hadn't a clue what the answer was, but for the most part, I was feeling pretty good. When I finally finished, I turned it in so it could be scanned. Walking out the door and down the stairs, I took a deep breath in anticipation of seeing my score on the TV screen at the bottom.
I opened the door and searched the screen for my ID number. Then I gasped. Frantically I pulled out my ID card. Maybe I had memorized my number wrong; but I was 2267, wasn't I? Or maybe I really was 2265 like the screen said. There was no 2267 up there. Or maybe because you could write on the test they didn't electronically correct the bubble sheet and my score just wasn't up there at all. When I finally got my ID out, I huffed. 2267. That was definitely my score. All 53% of it.
It took all I had to slowly meander to my car down the hill. If that wasn't a mood killer, I didn't know what would be.
Note to self, never, ever, study for another test again.
"Well, at least this day can't get any worse. Unless I fail my next test too..."
I still had another test to take later that night on Blackboard. As soon as I got home, I pulled out my laptop and studied some more, hoping beyond hope that maybe if I just read the material, and didn't really "study" it, I would do better. It took hours to read the material he had for us online, but my computer was doing fine. I assumed that whatever glitch was going on would be safe to ignore for the next while.
My professor specifically told us not to use Internet Explorer 8, because it made Blackboard crash every time. I pulled up Google Chrome and logged in istead.
The test was pretty simple, much easier than the history test. But that didn't really say much, I decided. However, there were only 33 questions, so if nothing else, it wouldn't take nearly as long.
As I got to question 30, it was a list of people we had to list with their description.
"Laman... D, took wine to the Lamanites at night."
I was just about to submit this answer and move on to the next question when my mouse stopped working. I touched the pad again, hoping it would move. Ten seconds later, the screen went black, then blue.
"System error... shut down do preserve data... software download..."
I let my head fall back and it smacked against the wall. "Ow!" I yelped, now rubbing my head as my laptop started to reboot itself again.
"This would happen. The test I can only take once online. The one that is due in 3 1/2 hours. The one I can't even try to retake. F the system. I hate Best Buy."
Sunday, October 10, 2010
It's Like Riding a Bike... Not.
Everyone tells me it gets easier. They lied.
It's like riding a bike, they say. You might not do it for a couple years, but you always remember how to work that machine when you do the next summer. You are still steady and don't wobble. You don't forget what it feesl like to pedal with your legs, with the wind blowing through your hair. That feeling stays with you no matter how long it's been since you sat on that seat. But those people were wrong.
It's not like riding a bike at all. It's been a year and I don't remember much of anything. Sure, I know I should be able to remember what his hair feels like, the softness of his lips as they press mine. I should be able to recall the smoothness of his hands and the firmness of his chest when I lay my head to rest. But I don't. Not really.
It's as though I need training wheels again. As if I can't ride on my own anymore because the part of me that kept me stable is gone. And knowing when it's coming back doesn't help a bit.
They all told me it gets easier; that once you've hit that one year mark, everything looks brighter because the number only gets smaller from here. You're no longer counting up to twelve, but down from it. You've gotten halfway and you're still going strong, they say.
So why do I feel as though I want to break? Like my half a heart is going to shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment because it can't handle not having its other half? Because that missing piece of heart is half a world away in a country I love dearly.
If it's just like riding a bike as they say, why can't I pick myself and ride off into the sunset or up a mountainside? Why do I need training wheels again?
But most importantly, why can't I do this on my own?
It's like riding a bike, they say. You might not do it for a couple years, but you always remember how to work that machine when you do the next summer. You are still steady and don't wobble. You don't forget what it feesl like to pedal with your legs, with the wind blowing through your hair. That feeling stays with you no matter how long it's been since you sat on that seat. But those people were wrong.
It's not like riding a bike at all. It's been a year and I don't remember much of anything. Sure, I know I should be able to remember what his hair feels like, the softness of his lips as they press mine. I should be able to recall the smoothness of his hands and the firmness of his chest when I lay my head to rest. But I don't. Not really.
It's as though I need training wheels again. As if I can't ride on my own anymore because the part of me that kept me stable is gone. And knowing when it's coming back doesn't help a bit.
They all told me it gets easier; that once you've hit that one year mark, everything looks brighter because the number only gets smaller from here. You're no longer counting up to twelve, but down from it. You've gotten halfway and you're still going strong, they say.
So why do I feel as though I want to break? Like my half a heart is going to shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment because it can't handle not having its other half? Because that missing piece of heart is half a world away in a country I love dearly.
If it's just like riding a bike as they say, why can't I pick myself and ride off into the sunset or up a mountainside? Why do I need training wheels again?
But most importantly, why can't I do this on my own?
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Betrayed
I thought I knew what the word meant. You know, when you were a kid and your friend decides to tell the entire class who you have a crush on. It feels like your whole world is crashing down and crumbling into a million pieces. It's as though you're never going to pick up the pieces of your small world that has now been shattered.
That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. Only my world is much bigger and the pieces are that much smaller. It's one thing to have your week ruined, since that's how long elementary school kids attention spans last. It's entirely another to have your own mother be the one who betrays you.
That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. Only my world is much bigger and the pieces are that much smaller. It's one thing to have your week ruined, since that's how long elementary school kids attention spans last. It's entirely another to have your own mother be the one who betrays you.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Full Swing
I never thought I was a bitter person. Not really anyway. I was sure I had my emotions in check and yet, here I was with a bat in my hand, getting ready to swing full force.
We'd been friends for years, almost a decade. We'd been through so much together; dances, dates, family drama, cheaters, rock concerts, graduation. We had some of the best of times and some of the worst. I had always considered her to be one of my best friends, one of the better friends anyone could have. Between all our inside jokes and random good times, I had assumed we would be some of those friends who are always just that. Where we'd grow old in an old person's home and whack each other with canes and and ram our wheelchairs together.
As it turns out, I was wrong.
The reception was a drag. Not just a drag, but a disaster. I had never felt so out of place in my entire life. As I sat there at the table with all my old high school friends, every one of them talked about how delicious the food was at the luncheon, how funny the toast was and all the awkward things their parents said about their children. Normally, I would laugh and join in on this kind of thing. But that's a little difficult when you weren't invited to the luncheon.
I probably shouldn't have cared, honestly. But I couldn't help it. I was bitter. I hadn't seen my fiance in a year since he was overseas. And this friend not only met this guy within the last 8 months, she was not married to him to. Something I have been waiting for in anticipation for over 2 years. It just wasn't fair.
And so here I was, swinging my bat as hard as I could to take out the lights on their new Chevy. Good thing her new husband is car guy.
We'd been friends for years, almost a decade. We'd been through so much together; dances, dates, family drama, cheaters, rock concerts, graduation. We had some of the best of times and some of the worst. I had always considered her to be one of my best friends, one of the better friends anyone could have. Between all our inside jokes and random good times, I had assumed we would be some of those friends who are always just that. Where we'd grow old in an old person's home and whack each other with canes and and ram our wheelchairs together.
As it turns out, I was wrong.
The reception was a drag. Not just a drag, but a disaster. I had never felt so out of place in my entire life. As I sat there at the table with all my old high school friends, every one of them talked about how delicious the food was at the luncheon, how funny the toast was and all the awkward things their parents said about their children. Normally, I would laugh and join in on this kind of thing. But that's a little difficult when you weren't invited to the luncheon.
I probably shouldn't have cared, honestly. But I couldn't help it. I was bitter. I hadn't seen my fiance in a year since he was overseas. And this friend not only met this guy within the last 8 months, she was not married to him to. Something I have been waiting for in anticipation for over 2 years. It just wasn't fair.
And so here I was, swinging my bat as hard as I could to take out the lights on their new Chevy. Good thing her new husband is car guy.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Raindrops
Have you ever played in the rain? I don't just mean running out really quick and running back under cover two seconds later. Have you ever really played in the rain?
I hadn't done this in a long time. I had forgotten just how much fun it was, running barefoot all over the streets, jumping in puddles and sliding on the world map at the park. I haven't danced and pranced in months, but the rain does that to me. Makes me want to move in ways I never dreamed to before. Unleashes something inside me that had been locked up by my self conscience and wasn't letting go its grip. Until the rains come. It makes me feel... free. Like I've never been freed before. As though I lived in a desert and caught a snowflake on my tongue for the first time. And I like that feeling. A lot.
I hadn't done this in a long time. I had forgotten just how much fun it was, running barefoot all over the streets, jumping in puddles and sliding on the world map at the park. I haven't danced and pranced in months, but the rain does that to me. Makes me want to move in ways I never dreamed to before. Unleashes something inside me that had been locked up by my self conscience and wasn't letting go its grip. Until the rains come. It makes me feel... free. Like I've never been freed before. As though I lived in a desert and caught a snowflake on my tongue for the first time. And I like that feeling. A lot.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Tsunami
Here it is again--
The hurt,
The blame,
The accusations,
But what am I to do?
Sit back, relax,
Roll with the punches,
Take each blow as if
It's deserved?
Pretend as though you did everything right?
But it's not.
And you didn't.
You're a tsunami wave--
Good for nothing but
Destruction.
Crashing, thrashing, taking lives and homes
And for what?
The chase, you're forced to, because you can?
Or so you think.
As though nothing will
Stop you.
As if you overpower all.
But now you're broken,
You're weak.
And as you fall and recede
I take up my hammer
And nails
To rebuild what you've destroyed.
The lives you have
Broken.
My life you have broken.
All our lives, the lives of those who love
You.
But here we stand--
United, a force to reckon with.
We will rebuild what you have conquered
And I will leave you
Behind.
As just a fading memory.
The hurt,
The blame,
The accusations,
But what am I to do?
Sit back, relax,
Roll with the punches,
Take each blow as if
It's deserved?
Pretend as though you did everything right?
But it's not.
And you didn't.
You're a tsunami wave--
Good for nothing but
Destruction.
Crashing, thrashing, taking lives and homes
And for what?
The chase, you're forced to, because you can?
Or so you think.
As though nothing will
Stop you.
As if you overpower all.
But now you're broken,
You're weak.
And as you fall and recede
I take up my hammer
And nails
To rebuild what you've destroyed.
The lives you have
Broken.
My life you have broken.
All our lives, the lives of those who love
You.
But here we stand--
United, a force to reckon with.
We will rebuild what you have conquered
And I will leave you
Behind.
As just a fading memory.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Letter
I had spent an hour writing this letter. An hour! I didn't even take that long to write a paper for any of my classes and I still got A's.
I've always been the sentimental type. Words mean so very much to me and writing letters and small notes has been my way to let people know just how much I care. And so once again, I spent an hour pouring out my feelings and praise to her, telling her how wonderful and great she was. I signed it, put it in an envelope and put on my running clothes.
I hadn't ran in who knew how long. Probably months before, because I always found excuses not to. But I was going to stop that if it killed me. And so I stuffed the letter in my pocket in my sweats before locking the house door behind me. Then I took off running.
It's roughly a 20 minute run to Carrie's house. I figured I could last that long, even if I hadn't ran in months. So far, so good. I had my iPod playing and I was running to the beat. After 15 minutes, I reached down to check on my letter, making sure it was still there before I ran up the huge hill to reach her house.
And it was gone.
I searched all along the road, hoping it would be there and wasn't ruined in a puddle from the raining earlier in the day. I started running back to my house, taking the same sides of the road I did on my way there. Block after block, there was nothing. Not a single sign of that little white envelope. As I came to my street, I finally began to walk. Running for a half hour straight was no easy thing, especially while scouring the asphalt for a letter. As I stepped off the sidewalk to cross the street directly in front my house, I saw a suspicious looking white thing, lying in the road.
I leaned over and picked it up. Carrie's letter, slightly damp, but perfectly readable. I huffed for a moment and slowly walked to my car, pulling out my keys.
"No way am I running another half hour plus to get this to her," I muttered, opening my door. I slammed it shut and ignited the engine.
I've always been the sentimental type. Words mean so very much to me and writing letters and small notes has been my way to let people know just how much I care. And so once again, I spent an hour pouring out my feelings and praise to her, telling her how wonderful and great she was. I signed it, put it in an envelope and put on my running clothes.
I hadn't ran in who knew how long. Probably months before, because I always found excuses not to. But I was going to stop that if it killed me. And so I stuffed the letter in my pocket in my sweats before locking the house door behind me. Then I took off running.
It's roughly a 20 minute run to Carrie's house. I figured I could last that long, even if I hadn't ran in months. So far, so good. I had my iPod playing and I was running to the beat. After 15 minutes, I reached down to check on my letter, making sure it was still there before I ran up the huge hill to reach her house.
And it was gone.
I searched all along the road, hoping it would be there and wasn't ruined in a puddle from the raining earlier in the day. I started running back to my house, taking the same sides of the road I did on my way there. Block after block, there was nothing. Not a single sign of that little white envelope. As I came to my street, I finally began to walk. Running for a half hour straight was no easy thing, especially while scouring the asphalt for a letter. As I stepped off the sidewalk to cross the street directly in front my house, I saw a suspicious looking white thing, lying in the road.
I leaned over and picked it up. Carrie's letter, slightly damp, but perfectly readable. I huffed for a moment and slowly walked to my car, pulling out my keys.
"No way am I running another half hour plus to get this to her," I muttered, opening my door. I slammed it shut and ignited the engine.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Needed
I didn't know what I was doing. But I knew exactly why I was doing it.
Jason, I need your help. From Kristen 4:36pm
That's all the simple text said and immediately I replied back. What do you need?
It had been two weeks since we had talked last. Or rather, since I had talked to her. She had been sending random texts the first few days after the dance telling me what a horrible person I was for treating Annie so bad. But I ignored her ever time. I wanted to talk to her when she texted me, I wanted to reply, but I just couldn't do it. I was going to prove, at least to myself, that I didn't need Kristen in my life. I didn't need her and I could be perfectly fine without her.
Well, at least that's what I was telling myself.
I knew that wasn't true, but I was going to try forcing myself to believe it anyway. Even if it did hurt me, I would keep ignoring her. After all I've already lasted two weeks. But I realized the moment I read that text, there was no way I could deny her pleas for help. Not when she said needed me. She needed me.
It had been two weeks since we had talked last. Or rather, since I had talked to her. She had been sending random texts the first few days after the dance telling me what a horrible person I was for treating Annie so bad. But I ignored her ever time. I wanted to talk to her when she texted me, I wanted to reply, but I just couldn't do it. I was going to prove, at least to myself, that I didn't need Kristen in my life. I didn't need her and I could be perfectly fine without her.
Well, at least that's what I was telling myself.
I knew that wasn't true, but I was going to try forcing myself to believe it anyway. Even if it did hurt me, I would keep ignoring her. After all I've already lasted two weeks. But I realized the moment I read that text, there was no way I could deny her pleas for help. Not when she said needed me. She needed me.
The only thought that could explain why I was doing what I was doing is that I love her. But I wasn't about to own up to it. So instead, I shoved that thought back and buried it six feet under. Sure, I cared. And I'd admit to that to myself, and even to her on the rare occasion these days. But no one was going to know that I didn't just love her as I would love a best friend, but was in love with her.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Bachellorette Party
Awkward doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean I don't generally have a problem talking about marriage and sex and joking about such things with my friends. It's what people do; I know that. And to be honest, it can be really hilarious at times. But his was just... awkward.
"Kissing isn't just for your lips," she said, reading the sex for dummies book out loud. Rather loudly, I might add.
From up the stairs a call came down. "Taryn! Don't read that out loud! I don't want to hear that coming from my oldest daughter, been if you are getting married next week."
"It's not even a big deal mom."
"You are so lucky your dad isn't in town. You know that he would just start going into great detail about your conception."
The front door shut just then.
"Hey, honey I'm home!"
Taryn gasped as she recognized the voice of her dad.
I cringed and gagged at the thought of where his conversation was headed.
Suddenly I wanted to be as far away as possible from this house and conversation before I heard something that would make me want to throw up for real.
I mean I don't generally have a problem talking about marriage and sex and joking about such things with my friends. It's what people do; I know that. And to be honest, it can be really hilarious at times. But his was just... awkward.
"Kissing isn't just for your lips," she said, reading the sex for dummies book out loud. Rather loudly, I might add.
From up the stairs a call came down. "Taryn! Don't read that out loud! I don't want to hear that coming from my oldest daughter, been if you are getting married next week."
"It's not even a big deal mom."
"You are so lucky your dad isn't in town. You know that he would just start going into great detail about your conception."
The front door shut just then.
"Hey, honey I'm home!"
Taryn gasped as she recognized the voice of her dad.
I cringed and gagged at the thought of where his conversation was headed.
Suddenly I wanted to be as far away as possible from this house and conversation before I heard something that would make me want to throw up for real.
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