Again

I can't believe I did this.
Again.
I had promised her I never would again. I had assured her time and time again. And once again, I let her down. Just like every other promise I made to her that night. All thirteen of them that she never seems to forget about. All thirteen she makes sure I remember, that I let her down. And don't I ever deserve it.
I've hurt her so many times, and that's just counting the ones I know of and remember with my horrid memory. Not to even mention the numerous amount that I surely have no clue about. All the times she bottles it up and takes the pain instead of letting herself free from me. As if I'm actually worth anything. As if I'm something to hold on to. As if I'm someone without her.
I'm not.
She doesn't understand what she does to me, how she motivates me. I wouldn't be half the man I am if not for her. I wouldn't care, I wouldn't have my priorities straight, I wouldn't be trying to do and be better. I would be nothing without her.
So why do I hurt her? Why doesn't she trust me when I tell her I love her and need her in my life? Not only that I need her, but want her in my life.
Ha. The better question is why should she?
Pain, lies, guilt, doubt. Here it is again.
Again, again, again.
Maybe I'll get lucky just one more time and she'll forgive me.
Again.